Happy Thanksgiving

I have a lot of things in my life to be thankful for. This year especially. It has been a long and in some ways tough year and I can't imagine going through it without some very dear people in my life.

Im very thankful to my parents. They have always been there for me, supporting, caring and loving. Im very thankful to my mom and dad for help with our wedding. Im grateful they are always by my side no matter what choices I make in life, they never judge me and they go out of their way to help me. I love my parents with all my heart and couldn't wish for better family.

Im very thankful that I have my american family, Margaret, Rob, Erica and Jeremy Rushton. This year they went out their way to help me and Brian through very tough times and I appreciate everything they have done for us. Im very thankful that I have shared my exchange experience with this special family and Im thankful they made it an outstanding one. Thank you, Rob, for being my american dad that year. Driving me to school when I was too lazy to take a bus, which was always. Thank you, Jeremy, for being a brother that I never had, making me laugh, tease me, sometimes fight with me and picking me up from school in exchange of me washing your car. Thank you, Erica for showing me what it is like to have a sister, for sharing your room with me, for being an amazing roommate and all great times we had. Thank you, Margaret, for being my second mom, who always will listen, understand and give a good advice. Thank you for always making sure I feel loved and a part of the family.

Im very thankful to all those who made Brian's treatment this summer possible. Im thankful all people who helped us with the visa process, with out trip to US and who have made sure Brian gets care he deserves. When you meet people like Daniel Barrows, you realize, that there are still people out there who have compassion and who are ready to help on a gratis basis.

Im very thankful for my friends who have been there for me when things were tough. Most of all, I want to thank Elza for being a true friend who has helped me through this year more than I can put in words. You have done so much for me and I want you to know I miss you very much. Thank you for always listening to me, distracting me when I needed it, putting common sense in my head when I am a mess, for being a great roommate, for never letting me down and just for being yourself. Im very thankful to have a friend like you.

I also want to thank Jenn and Ryan for helping us out when we were in need. If it wasn't for you guys, I don't know how we would manage to get through this summer. Thank you for making me feel like at home, caring for Brian and me, being there and for all the positive emotions. I will always appreciate what you have done for us. Im very thankful for meeting a lot of good people, like Bob, Anna,  Vicky, Bobby and others who showed compassion and care for me and Brian, who could always make me smile and helped as well.

Most of all Im thankful for having my husband, Brian in my life. Every day of my life I thank universe (fate, God, you name it) for him.You are always in my thoughts and I can't imagine my life without you, baby. Thank you for working on getting our life better. Thank you for being there for me and putting up with my crap. Thank you for not giving up and moving forward. Thank you for changing your life dramatically and staying by my side in my country. Thank you for who you are. You mean a world to me.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who took time to read this. I think at least once a year it is very useful for each of us to stop and think about good things in our lives that we should be grateful for. The main principle I try to follow in life is "be grateful for what you have and you will always end up having more".

Bitter Truth

You are all by yourself. Sooner you realize it, the better. You are all alone in this world. No one cares about anyone, but themselves. Sooner you learn how to do that., the better. It is human nature, I guess, instinct of something. We are born in one whole piece, so it is silly to expect someone else to "complete" you. You are all by yourself and no one cares about you more than they care about themselves.

Never fully trust anyone. Everybody lies. There is not even a single person in this world who never lied in their lives. Some do more, some do less, but they all lie. When it comes to either benefit you by telling the truth, or lying for their own sake, they will lie. It is in human brain to keep its "owner" safe.

Never show your weaknesses to anyone. Person you open up to, will eventually use them against you, to manipulate you, to defeat you, to destroy you. You might think there is this one, special person, who will never want to hurt you....and that might be true for awhile...Until your interests cross. Until you have something to fight about. That is when there is no "illegal hold". There is no judge to tell you what is ok to use and what is not. Everything works as long as the goal is reached. Trust me, your weaknesses will be used against you.

And the last one. Never care more about anyone than you care about yourself, because that is what everyone else are doing. If you show someone you care about them more than about yourself...they will turn you into the door pad. They will know you can't turn your back on them, because you care. They will use you as much as they can, until there is nothing more left of you. Even if you think for a moment, that there is a person who cares about you more than they care about themselves....Forget about it. It's an illusion. No one cares. And if you start to not care about yourself...guess what? There is no one else out there.

If you get disappointed in someone, you have no one else to blame but yourself. You have put your trust in them,  it's not their fault. You have expected something that they never were able to provide you. You did that to yourself. 

Only you can help yourself. Don't count on others. Only you care about yourself. Don't think anyone else does. Only you are worth your trust. Don't ever trust someone 100%, always leave a place for a doubt.

If you still think you have a person who is "not like that"....I feel sorry for you, cause I do too....

To my beloved soldier

I have never realized what you have been through. Im sorry for that. I mean, yes, you  have shared few stories from your  combat experience and I knew that what you have seen is terrible. However, I have never realized just how terrible those things were and what impact it can have on ones mind.

I have never fully realized what you are going through right now. Im sorry for that as well. I have read a lot, researched a lot, but I have never fully understood what impact war can have on one's life. I don't think I ever be able to fully understand it, but after reading actual thoughts of a former soldier, from a first person, I got one step closer.

I have never fully realized how much courage and strength it takes for one to go to war, make that choice and willingly sacrifice a normal life to follow your beliefs. Im incredibly proud of you. Proud of what you have done and proud of what you are doing right now. No matter how many times you going to say that I'm "doing a great job with putting up with you", I am going to tell you every time that you are the one who is doing an amazing job. You are the one who is putting up with so many things on your mind and still taking steps towards organizing our life together.

You are nothing but an outstanding personality and if we will have a son, more than anything I want him to get traits from his father. I love you, Brian

Visit, the

Have you ever thought what the kid you once were would think of the grown up you are now? Would that little boy/girl look at you with admiration and think "i want to be like that when i will grow up"?



I have been travelling between these two cities for about 6 years now. When my parents used to live at my native town, I used to go visit very often. After they moved, there were just few times a year I did. I have never missed that place too much, because after I have "tasted" Kiev, there was barely anything i missed about my 'village" (that is how my superman calls it, although the population of that town is about 45000 people) Of course it was always nice to go back there and feel "out of place" in a good way. Self esteem growth really fast when you hear people talk and see the way they look. I am in no way being mean, I am being realistic. It seems young people who stayed there (majority, not all) do not care to develop as a personality, they are happy with what they have and have no desire to change anything in their lives. Girls do not mind to look exactly the same, in fact, if someone choses to look differently it is the reason for weird looks and talks. It is pretty much people's choice to stay exactly the same in all aspects...

I got off the bus, took a cab and had a nice 5 minutes excursion from the bus station to my aunt's house. Nothing changed. Few stores opened, but everything is exactly the same as it was a year ago, two years ago, 6 years ago. The town didn't change. It is still very beautiful in spring, lots of trees and few parks, but still very boring as every other little town in Ukraine. I needed to go get my picture taken for my passport and as i walked towards the studio, one major difference from Kiev kicked in. It was unbeliavable quite there. There is not many roads in the area I live in, and you can hear only few passing by. It was a working day and 1pm, everyone were either at work, or at school. There were only few random "guests" on the streets. It was so quite I almost felt like people can hear me think. First I enjoyed the quitness, but as day went by, it started to creep me out. I felt like I am all alone in these streets, I am so out place, I am so noticable and I really missed the busy capital where you can always get lost amoung people and hide in the crowd. There, you have no place to hide...

After I was done taking care of my things i decided to head home to my apartment and take a nap after a tiring trip. I opened the door to the place where I have spent 17 years straight and I was overwhelmed by different feelings. I was at home, I grew up in this appartment, everything in there was familiar, but at the samae time, I felt like a stranger. SOmething has changed in that place. I have put my bags down and walked in my room...nothing had changed. My piano is still standing lonely and is more like a shelf for my picture frames, stuffed animals, other random crap...As I was walking around the apartment I have realized that you can almost smell the absense of people there. No one lives there for over 4 years now and you can literally feel the emptiness that is present...
I was brushing my hair and in the mirror I saw a reflection of the picture on the wall behind me. It was a picture of me when I was about 8 years old with my mom. For some reason, at that moment I started thinking about the fact that time goes by so quickly. It seemed only yesterday I was standing in front of this very same mirror and was getting ready to go to school. That dress I was wearing on that picture,, I wonder where is it right now? I looked at the 8 years old girl on that picture and I wondered, is this who she would want to become in 14 years? I also became very jealous of her...When you are 8 years old, you don't know exactly how world works. You have tons of insane dreams, you imagine your future and you are sure everything will be exactly like you want it to be. and here I was, 22 years old with more realistic plans for the future, less insane dreams in my head and a feeling of emptiness inside. For some reason, that apartment felt like a place of broken dreams or something...Of course I wouldnt even dream of the things I have in my life, but for some reason I felt like most of my life is gone and what I have achieved right now (nothing pretty much) is all I can....Silly, I know, but I left my apartment really fast, because I couldnt stand the feeling of passing time...

This post had a continuation and at the end I wrote that when I came back in Kiev I felt home. I finally realized that this busy city is mine. After 5 years saying how much I hate the traffic and people around, I finally felt like Im home...Mostly because my other "half" stayed in this city and was waiting for me to come back... Anyways, this post was much longer, but first of all I have not saved the draft of the second part and retyping it is just meaningless, not that anyone would bother to read.

Rainy days

Beginning of May is known for being a raining month in Kiev. Lucky me went to work with no umbrella or hoody and I got socked wet under the poring May rain...

I walked out of my office building and realized I am screwed. Heavy rain is not a type of weather you want to walk home in, considering my work is 15 minutes away from it. Here I was, walking in my short dress, open shoes with no umbrella or chance to get a cab. I was trying to concentrate on something positive, but it only worked until I stepped in a huge puddle and my shoes were filled with cold water. I literally started laughing. It was more like a desperate laugh, one you get when you are pissed to the point where you can't cry, you just laugh. "Seriously, - I thought, - Are you guys on crack there or something?" I was asking that question whoever is up there in the sky, Jesus, Buddha, universe....Whatever. Anything else you want me to go through today?... I was swearing in my mind and thought about how sucky my life is getting, how lonely, cold and miserable I am on this street, walking home in the rain, with no chance to change anything...Suddenly my thoughts changed after I turned around the corner and saw people with no umbrellas: some running to the closest bus stop, some walking slowly and accepting the inevitable, some standing under the roofs of the stores waiting for the rain to stop. This made me realize, I am not alone in this situation, I am not the only one who got socked wet and is forced to deal with this weather. I also realized, this is like our problems. When we are facing them, we think we are the only person who is dealing with this in the whole world. We feel that is so unfair and hard, that no one can understand. That is not true. There are people around the corner who are in the same shit as we are. You might not see them, know them, but they are there. Some are fighting these problems, they still believe they can, some are simply accepting them and some are waiting for them to pass by, like those people who were standing under the roof, waiting  for the rain to pass. People love to feel exclusive and think that they are the only ones who have to go through this particular situation, but the truth is, we are not. We might handle things differently and for some people certain problems are more difficult than for others, but it doesnt change the fact that we are not alone. Problems also have a tendency to pass, just like the rain. We might still be wet after it, but sooner or later, we dry off and are back to normal "dry" life...

While I was walking home, I also remembered how last year I was waiting for a bus on the bus stop and it randomly started to rain. I had no umbrella and no place to hide. There was a girl standing next to me, and she offered me to hide under her's. We didn't know each other, but she was willing to help me, just because she could. There are people who are willing to help us when we least expect that. They might not be our family, our friends or even people we know. It can be a total stranger who is facing the same problem. It can be just a total stranger with the umbrella...

memories

" You're kinda crazy" (c) July 22nd, 2010
I am reading our old posts on the FB and when I read this one, it made me laugh cuz I remember exactly how this quote was born... Me and You were in the private hostel room, trying to go to sleep, and as usually couldnt stop talking...I don't remember how exactly we got to the whole let's make a baby that glows in the dark, cuz then we can sell it on the E-bay for $1 000 000, but I do remember how we were crying from laughing talking about using a baby instead of a lamp and other random bullshit that came to our heads...and then you looked at me and said "you kinda crazy". We started laughing harder, since "kinda" crazy didn't fit, it should be more like "you are beyond crazy".

"we need to go to jamaica, away from everyone, build a small wood house and enjoy our talks about dolphins and glowing babies)))) the fun part is we don't even need to smoke weed, cuz we r ku-ku enough and that random shit comes to our heads by itself))))) ♥" (c) July 25th 2010

 It surely did come to our heads a lot...Dolphins...and their hospital where you needed to take them...oh and wet dreams about dolphins aka "weird dreams" (thats what you say, but I do know the truth =)

"get better, Cinderella....please...)))) (c) August 5th 2010
Cinderella was mentioned few times during our relationships (can I ask you a weird question, but please don't think I am crazy? (c) ). This post was from me to you, when you got sick and I had to clean the hostel and I sucked at it....You were my cinderella and our guests never believed you were the one who cleans, until they saw it.

"sometimes the universe can be just somebody's eyes (c) u mean a world to me" (c) August 25th 2010

Weird thing, but I remember exactly when I posted this and why. It was few days before you left to Germany, and I remember laying on the couch at Natasha's place, we were talking and I was looking at you and could not imagine how I will let you go so far...We have pretty much been around each other 24 hours a day ever since that night at the beach and I could not imagine you going away from my life at all...I am pretty sure that was the moment I realized "we" have to be forever, cause I can't otherwise. Those thoughts freaked me out since I had no idea what is on your mind and are you planning to come back at all...One thing I knew for sure was that you are my world...

"People are not puzzles (c)

-i wonder who said that =)
-it was one of those silly american guys who think they r smart))
-and silly ukrainian girl thinks she knows everything,....
-she does know more than american boy thinks"

unpublished

 ... and you showed me what it is like to be loved…I don’t have major issues that need to be fixed…but you make me the happiest I can be. Good days, bad days, fights,  don’t care, that feeling never leaves me. It’s a harmony inside of me that you brought in my life…You made me not scared about the future…I am not scared to grow old with you…because I know that would be just another level of our love…just another stage………

...when I said yes to you, I didn’t say yes to “fun” part of our family. Its in health and sickness,  when worse comes to the worst, forever and ever. What matters to me is that you care about yourself and don’t damage yourself more. That you treat yourself the way I treat you. That you accept your temporary weaknesses how I accept them.  I truly wish you one day will find peace and harmony with me, as I did with you. There is no “giving up” or “loosing” or “fighting”.  It is all your make-beliefs, that have to go away. And I would never even think for a second there is someone better for me out there. We were just made for each other. And I was wrong about puzzles before…we are not the same pieces. We are different, and that why we complete each other. There is no one out there for either of us, because we were just meant to be. People don’t meet like us and don’t fall in love within days if they are not something special...

... people work on getting such connection like we have, and yet not all couples have it in the end. And we do. And I truly believe there is something more to it other than “just happened to meet”. You are my piece of puzzle who makes me complete. Without you, I am nothing. And I want you to realize that…if you hurt yourself, it hurts me more.... 

...and when you hide your thoughts from me, I am confused, because I feel like I should be a person involved in that. Don’t say you want me to stay out of it, you need me just as much as I need you.  I need to be inloved, otherwise, you would feel like you are all by yourself with your problems. And you are not…

… and I truly believe if we are together, we can overcome anything...

 …..you made me happy. Fully happy. Absolutely happy. And I know u r not there yet and I just want you to let me make you happy and finally stop fighting with yourself, proving something to yourself,  overcoming yourself. We are “one”  now. No me and you. Its us.  Forever and ever. (c)

Lie to Me

One of the things i hate the most is feeling like a fool, feeling like everyone around you know something and you are the only one who have no idea, feeling like all people lie  in your face or laugh behind your back. Feeling like people look at you with pity knowing that you don't know and feel bad for you cause of that. The most disgusting thing for me is not being lied to. The most disgusting thing is being lied to and everyone around knowing the truth except you.

In my life I always choose to trust people. It is easier. We are very different in this with my superman, since he is always cautious about those who are around, and I always choose to trust and see good in people. It might sound like a paradox, but along with that, I am a paranoid person. If I didnt have my trust for people, I would probably drive myself crazy by now. For me, it has always been like that, you can trust the person, but it never is in the way of your questions. The matter is if you believe the answers. I don't think asking questions is the sign of distrust. What matters is if you trust what you hear as an answer. Although, we do not have much of a choice, do we? You either accept and believe or not. As simple as that. 

I also often think, what if everyone knew what is kept away from them. What if there was no option to lie in this world? Would people be happier? I for some reason highly doubt that. I don't think people are ready for the answers to the question they ask. If in one moment all the lies would be revealed, would that make the world an easy place to live? I dont think so. Maybe sometimes it is better not to know. Maybe ignorance is a blessing....

For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open (c)

Mrs

Today was a very difficult day...Facing problems with documents in a country like Ukraine isn't as easy as it might seem...Driving around the city center during lunch hours was exhausting and stressing, considering the fact I was not even sure till the end that everything is going to work and we will finally confirm our wedding day...It is a very hard to convince your beloved one that everything is going to fine, while you yourself doubt that in your head. We did it. We finally got everything together and the date is confirmed. It is going to be 22nd of April and after 7 months of waiting, planning, changing plans, organizing documents, getting documents, changing documents, translating documents, fixing the translation of the documents,  fighting over documents, paying for documents....after 7 months I will finally become his Mrs.

I had a chance to relax and put my thoughts together on my way home from finishing some things. I was sitting in the car and was trying to figure out how exactly I feel about everything. As much as I was tired, stressed and still mad at certain institutions, I was also feeling happy and relieved. My mind kept going back to the moment when the lady at the wedding hall handed me a pen and told me to write down the last name that I am taking after getting married. I wrote down my superman's last name and despite the fact it sounds and looks very strange and unusual spelled in ukrainian, I felt like it was "made" for me. I felt complete. It is hard to explain that feeling in words, especially in your (actually not quite mine) second (actually third) language, but I definitely know it can't be compared to anything. I felt like I am getting something I was lacking my whole life. His last name. More like  it represented the start of our family, my commitment to him and our future together. I know my superman was too exhausted to register those moments in his mind, but for me, it is unforgettable.

While I was driving home, I realized, that I never could imagine my future with anyone. I had some serious relationships that could end up with the marriage, but I could never sit there and plan a life together or imagine our future. Anytime I tried, I ended up thinking about what I want to do, or where I see myself in years. Now...it is all different and feels...right. I can spend hours of dreaming about me and my superman's future, I can imagine our house, our kids...It is funny, but I can very clearly imagine my superman interacting with our daughter. And yes, it definitely going to be a daughter. I dream about getting old together, about sitting there and going through our pictures to remember how young and crazy we were...

In 2 days I will become his Mrs. He laughs when he says that by the rules, my full "label" should be Mrs. Brian Debottari. He laughs, but he doesn't understand that it actually gives me very good feelings. It feels good to finally belong to someone. It feels good to finally trust a person your life. It feels good that finally there are no doubts in my head about missing something/someone else in my life. It feels good to finally realize someone will always be there for you.

We are going to spend the rest of our lives together. It is an amazing feeling to finally make it official. A lot of people now say the marriage is overrated, and that the rate of divorces is so high, there is no point to get married, if in next few years you will have to go through the long divorce process.  I totally disagree. For me, getting married is not about signing papers. It is about that exact feeling I got when I was writing his last name down as my future last name. When you get a feeling like that, you know it is right.

It feels good to finally become your Mrs.

Not a big deal

When you are hurt by someone, you feel weak. You want to cry, get compassion, you feel sorry for yourself and feel like you don't deserve what happend.
When you are really hurt by someone, you feel anger. You are mad, you want to yell, fight, hurt a person back and feel like you hate a person.
When you get hurt beyond understanding, you don't care anymore. At all. You want to lay down and feel everything was a bad dream. You want to feel that someone cares...You want to feel that you are not alone...You simply want to feel anything besides this pain and emptiness inside. When your world burns to ashes, you don't care to fight or yell, you don't need compassion...There is nothing inside you anymore and you can't help but feel like you are not alive, like you don't matter...

I never knew what real pain is. Now it seems like I do. It is a small thing, that grows inside, moves and twists all your organs, bothers your stomach and makes you want to puke it out. It eats you from inside, piece by piece. People say you feel pain in your heart. I don't agree. It is definitely your stomach and maybe your lungs, cause it doesn't let you breath either....

Elena

The name is of Old Greek origin with its meaning being still not quite clear - it might be "clear, chosen" or "bright, light, torch".

Since early childhood Elena loves fairy tales. She is a bit reserved and is never is complete tune with other children - she is always slightly aloof engrossed in the world of her imagination. Elena is trustful but if she faces deception based on her credulity she will definitely try to punish the person who has deceived her demonstrating remarkable creativity and imagination in the matter. Elena is kind but in childhood her kindness is not of energetic nature. For instance she can bring home a stray kitten, give him hot milk and mourn over his deplorable fate but she is not able of being firm enough with her parents so that it would stay at her place. She is slightly interested in everything. She is attracted by the beautiful and tries to embroider, sew and knit.

Elena does her homework form time to home; however at school she does fairly well owing to a great extent to her retentive memory and a teacher she likes. Elena often takes after her father, at any rate as far as her character is concerned. On the basis of her father's disposition Elena develops emotionality and intolerance. In generals emotions play a significant role in Elena's life. In youth she comes across as timid and reserved but on further acquaintance she comes out in her true colours and it gets clear that she is cheerful, optimistic and dreamy. Elena can do the best in the sphere involving communication.

Love as an emotion is secondary with Elena, it displays as a consequence of pity. Elena would marry a man who arouses her compassion rather than a prosperous and a handsome one. Taking no pity on herself and her sacrificial love Elena expects the other person to do the same in return. She takes painfully everything that distracts her husband's attention- his friends, hobbies, etc. Engrossed in the world of inner emotional experience she is indifferent to conditions of life and other daily routine issues; she can make do with the least. At Elena's home there is usually peace. She is a home person and a caring mother. She can be a good housewife only if she is in the right frame of mind for it; otherwise she regards housework only as tedious but indispensable element of her life.

Boys and Girls

My superman once said "the only reason why foreign men are marrying Ukrainian women is that they want to have a personal slave, who will do everything". This statement was very surprising for me and I strongly disagree with it. Primary because since when taking care of your beloved person is considering to be slavery? The other opinion on this matter I got from one foreigner who came to Ukraine to find a wife. He told me, that the reason why he wants a ukrainian wife was because women here are much more loving and caring, than in Europe and that they have a kind heart and soul. This statement got me to thinking why is it so? Why women overseas are so much different from women here? Is it us that are stuck in the past and are slaves for their husbands (according to my superman) or it is them that are losing their feminine features?


I have to admit that I really haven't form my opinion on this matter yet. On one hand, I always tried to make sure I do not depend on men, that I take care of myself or I will be able to if anything happens. I do think that it is very important for the girl to be educated and have a job to make sure she is independent. On the other hand, I believe that woman has a right to be weak and should be weak. I can imagine all these feminist ladies arguing with me about this, but I do. Of course it is important to have equal rights and everything, but there is a reason why girls "were made" with weaker bodies and tender skin, with less physical strength, etc. Why it is so important for the women to lose the inequality between genders? Why taking care of your man is even by men is considering to be slavery now?


I do think that it is very important for the girl always stay a girl. I might be a little bit stereotypical, but this is how I think things suppose to be. I do believe girl should have more dresses and skirts than pants, I do believe that girl should know how to cook (even though I myself am the suckiest housewife), I do believe that girl should be weaker than her man and always be able to rely on him and ask for help. Someone smarter than me said "strong woman needs a stronger man to feel weak with him". I do hear a lot of girls complaining how men are  becoming more and more weaker and it is hard to find a real men in today's world. Also, how it is very hard for a strong independent woman to get into relationships. Of course it will be! It is men's nature to be/feel stronger, smarter. better than women. The fact that laws changed and women are considered to be equal to men on the paper doesnt change the fact that for hundreds and hundreds years men were the "leading" gender. I am not at all trying to say I am very acknowledged in psychology, but I do have my own opinion on how girls and boys work. A man will not stand competition, especially with his woman. My personal principal is if you want to keep a guy, make sure he knows he is important for you, let him be the stronger party, the smarter party, let him be your hero. In my current relationship I don't even need to make an effort, since it is like that with my superman. He is my hero in a lot of ways and I can afford feeling/being weak with him.


Until someone will tell me exactly what is this feminism about and what it is really for, I am staying with my thoughts on this matter. I prefer to have an opportunity to be independent, that is why I made sure I become an educated person with qualities that can help me get a job, but I do not want to actually be independent unless I want to, if that makes sense. In my perfect picture, a woman is the one who takes care of her man, while he is taking care of her, in different ways. This is a real marriage. Both are depending on each other. I mean, if you can't rely on the person you promised to spend forever with, who can you rely on?

Modifiche

This past few months were very different for me and my superman. We have started fighting. For most people this sounds funny, since it is quite a normal thing for couples to fight. Not for us. We don't fight. I can recall only one or two fights we had before and they were not even close to be as ugly as our few last fights. The major things that changed are me actually being able to make him mad and him actually make me hurt. If you ask me, I have no idea where these fights come from, why do they start and what are they for. In the end of last few my superman brought up the same thing that bugs him. I have written about it a little bit before, about my changes and me losing positive outlook on life that he loved so much. I have started looking at his statements from a different prospective....What if I have changed? What if I am depressed? What if I am not doing good emotionally? Can this be a problem? As it turns out, it is the problem, since I am the one who keeps him positive, so I can not afford being depressed myself....My superman didnt say it like that, but his main point was "i need you to be a certain way" (c) 

More I think about that conversation, more it makes me confused. We are about to get married and my fiance tells me that the way I am right now is not good. He was really honest about it too, when I asked him "does this means I can never be depressed and rely on your support", he said "not when you are th one keeping me positive". I have heard this so many times now, I am tired of proving him it is not me. I have told him numerous times that he has to stop thinking and saying I have done something for him and that I am keeping him in the right condition. My superman amazes me in a lot of ways, especially the progress he have made since we first met. I saw him changing in a good way every day and words can not express how proud I was of him. No matter how many times he will repeat I have something to do with it, I still think that without his will, his unbelievable inner strength and desire, nothing would've changed. That's what it is. I can agree that I might have given him a desire to change, a reason to change his life style and outlook on things, but everything else was accomplished by him. And I truly hope one day, darling, you will realize it yourself and stop seeing me like a foundation of a new you...If anything will ever happen to me, one thing I want to be sure about, that you will not destroy your life and think that without me nothing makes sense or has a meaning.

Now back to me being confused about my superman's words. I was laying in bes last night with no sleep and thinking about our talk. How is that possible he needs me a certain way...I am a human being. Moreover, I am a female, a 21 year old female, whose personality is not even done forming yet. I realized, that my superman needs someone stable by his side, to keep him stable. I also realized I am nothing like stable. One day I woke up, and I became a vegetarian and lasted over 6 months with no regrets or troubles. People get used to not eating meat for months and i just decided that overnight. Another morning in my life I decided I quit smoking. Let me tell you something about me, I have tried quiting since I was 16. Never happened. One lovely morning I wake up and I realize I do not need smoking anymore. And I quit. Just like that. Never slipped even once during next 8 or 9 months, until one day I decided I want to smoke again. See what i am saying? How can I assure my superman that one morning I will not wake up with the desire to kill myself? Or with the terrible hate towards whole world? How can I promise him that I will not decide to spent few weeks in bed with no food or communication like it happened to me before? How can I tell him that I will never have him sitting near me all night and listening to my heartbeat because I will be freaking out it can stop? I can't....And his probable thought is  "if you are happy with me, none of this should happen". One thing my superman doesnt seem to realize that my happiness depends on his happiness as much as his happiness depends on mine. Past few months were not good for both of us. In a lot of ways. We both know everything will be better soon. For now though, I want to be sure, that no matter what, I have his support like he has mine. And I want him to realize, that when I wake up and see him in pain, I can not have my positive outlook on life. Until I wake up and see his smiling face next to mine with no pain or tiredness in his eyes again, I can not be that happy person I was back then.

If my superman thinks I have changed, I think that everything in our life changed.

Fighter

If you can't find peace inside yourself, it is useless to look for it somewhere else (c)

My superman doesnt know, but a lot of times I watch him while he is sleeping and wonder what is he dreaming about, what was on his mind before he felt asleep, what will be his first thought when he will wake up. I look at him and I get all sorts of mixed emotions. He doesn't know, but sometimes I look a him and wonder, what is on his mind? What is is like to feel what he feels and live with what he lives...He doesn't know, but I wonder, what is it like to fight an invisible enemy every day of your life? What is it like to fight yourself every single day of your life and not be sure that you are fighting on the right side? I wonder, is it possible to be a winner in the battle with yourself?

After certain time spent together, I have realized that my superman has a lot of anger inside of him and it either gets projected on someone or it becomes self destructive for himself. Sometimes it seems like unless he has someone to hate, he doesnt feel right. My superman himself said so many times that I will never understand what it is like to overcome yourself every single day. That is pure truth, I will never understand, even though a lot of times I really want to. I am not sure if his anger has been building up before the war, or it is just a "side-effect" of it, but I for some reason think it has more to do with his life before an actual war...At least there he had an actual enemy to fight, but after the war is over, what is it left there to fight? If all the anger that was build up during years of dealing with people who reject you, lie to you, use you, has no way out, what happens than? I look at him sometimes and realize that he creates new enemies for himself to let it out on someone, so it doesnt destroy him inside. If your whole life you were persuaded that you are nothing but a failure by your own parents, it is a very predictable outcome that you will start to hate yourself even if you do not realize it yet. When you feel like a reason for someone's unhappy life, especially if that someone is supposed to be the closest person in the world, you get a guilt building up inside yourself, even if there is absolutely nothing you did, except being born. When I think about all the years he felt guilty for his parents unhappy life, I can't help but get a desperate desire to prove him that it is not at all his fault. He will never admit those feelings are there, but I do believe that unconsciously he feels guilty and maybe even hates himself for something that he have never actually done. As much as his anger is directed at certain people, it is also directed at himself. It seems easier to fight someone particularly than to have all that rage inside of you. I don't think there is any chance for victory when you fight with yourself.... 

I look at him and wonder, if I ever be able to make him truly happy with life? Will I ever be able to prove him that his war is over and that there is no one more to fight? Will he ever be able to find peace is his heart and let go the anger that was build up inside of him for years? Can he ever let go the guilt his parents put on him for no reason and realize he deserves all the good things in life?

My superman told me few times that he doesnt understand why I want to deal with him and his anger till the rest of my life. He told me that he is not even sure if he will ever be able to have a normal happy life that will be filled with positive emotions. Little does he know that if one day he decides to take a gun and shoot down the whole world, I will be standing by his side and hand him the bullets.

P.S. I know how much you wanted to find out what this post will be about...I am sorry to disappoint you since it came out very messy and senseless. I have written my thoughts down in russian and most of it is impossible for me to translate. The most important is though, that I love you, my soldier, and even if you are a fighter by your nature, I truly hope that one day you will put your walls down and let the peace in your heart and soul. I hope one day you will realize that you are an amazing person, who deserves a great happy life filled with positive emotions and events. There is nothing more to prove, there is nothing more to fight. You are perfect the way you are and you should be proud of yourself, like I am proud of you.

Once Upon a Time

Pretty much every fairytale starts with these words. Let me start mine the same...

Once upon a time there was Me, a 21 year old girl, who was taking her break/vacations in city named Odessa, by the Black Sea. And there was He, a man who was travelling around Europe, "reseting" his mind after certain events is his life. We met on a sunny day at the local beach and neither of us had any intentions of getting into serious relationships, falling in love or getting married whatsoever. But here I am, 9 months later writing this blog with the ring on my finger, that was given by the man I met at the beach of Odessa...

There were a lot of things that happen between the day we met and the day we decided that we are officially dating. The funny part is, only 3 days passed, but cause of the emotions that were present it felt like it has been months since we met. 

My first real memory about Him is the walk to the beach at 3am in the morning. I do not understand what exactly made me say Yes to a pretty much total stranger and agree to go watch sunrise at the beach. All I know is that I really could not get enough of Him. I just could not stop talking with him. According to him, he felt the same way. We have spent over 5 hours alone at the empty beach and all we did was talking about everything and nothing. I can recall parts of that conversation,  but if you ask me what did we talk about, I can not answer that.

The second thing I remember clearly as day is the moment when I realized that I don;t want Him ever leaving my life. I got in the hospital with allergic reactions and got several shots that were supposed to make me feel better. He was there with me all along, making sure I get good treatment and everything will be fine. This happened late at night and by the time we got home, both of us were pretty tired. I felt asleep immediately, but woke up few hours later and saw him playing on his laptop. I asked if he is going to bed any time soon, he said, yes, don;t worry, go back to sleep. I woke up in the morning and saw him in the same exact position by me with the laptop on his hands. I asked if he slept at all last night and he said "no, I wanted to make sure you are ok. Someone needed to listen to you breathing and checking on your fever". That was the moment when I realized that this is the man who I want to be by my side forever. Although that exact thought freaked me out, because that was pretty much first week of us dating. 

People around us noticed the connection me and him were having. No one could believe that we know each other few days or few weeks.  A lot of people said it seemed we were together for years. Honestly, I felt like that too.

Summer 2010 has changed both of our lives. I have finally found a man who makes me happy, truly loves me and who I can trust my life and he....And he says he is on the right path, that I have showed him positive side of life and made him happy.

Summer is gone, we are about to get married. Certain things are tough right now and we both hope they will pass. I personally think there is nothing we can't overcome together. We were meant to be, we didnt "just happen". There was too much things that made sure we meet and stay together. There is too strong of connection between us. 

Once upon a time we met on the beach in Odessa and we are living happily ever after. 

formspring.me

"Supergirl" on Formspring http://www.formspring.me/ElenaTsu

The Cure

I think that pretty much every close person in our life has an impact on us, our behavior, our mood, our personality. I don't believe that people enter our life and there presence is meaningless, that they don't bring anything with them. Whether it is good or bad, whether we realize it or not, certain people affect us or change us.

My superman said one thing to me, that stuck in my head: "it seems like more I get good traits from you, more I change in a good way with you, more you get my traits, my anger and rage". First thought I got after he said it was "like cats". There is a belief, that cats can cure people by taking their sickness on them, that they sleep on the spot that has bad energy, energy of disease and take that energy away. While a person gets cured and better, a cat dies from whatever the sickness was. It got me thinking, what if my superman had a point? What if he is right? What if more I give my positive attitude and outlook on life to him, I lose it myself and get his traits? We all heard about "energy vampires" that not intentionally affect people around, but is there such thing as exchanging attitudes?

I have always been bad with controlling my emotions, especially bad ones. My biggest problem was I got irritated easily and with any little thing. After certain events in my life, I got better and understood that life is too short for getting pissed about it. About 2 years ago, I have had a period, when I was depressed for over 2 months and spent them thinking about value of life, its sense and things that make people satisfied with it. That life period changed my attitude and outlook on life. I realized that we are given this opportunity only once and that we should appreciate life no matter what. I have become more calm and day by day was learning to appreciate little things that make me smile and bring me good emotions. 

When I met my superman, I met a lost person, well, lost is a wrong word, I met a person who was hurt and disappointed all his life, a person who took life as a meaningless process, that doesnt have anything good to offer to him. He asked me all sorts of questions, like "what is there good for me in life?", 'what should I be happy about?" "how can I be positive if this and this happened to me?". While I was talking to him, i didnt hide my confusion, I couldnt understand how one can not see what I see, I was trying to share things I realized while I was depressed, I shared my love to life. Somehow, our differences brought us together and as my superman always says, I am changed him and showed him positive things in life...

I have to admit that last few weeks I have noticed myself changing. I have noticed, that there are times where I realize that I just want to stay in bed all day and say "fuck off" to the world. I wasn't trying to analyze my behavior, until my superman said those words. And now here I am.

On one hand, I think that this is just a hard period in my life. I think about my summer, when supposably  I have changed my superman's outlook on life and I realize that back then it was much more easier to have positive mood all the time. It's summer, the whether is great, you are living by the beach, everyone around you are on vacations, you are looking good and tanned, you don't have to worry about work/school/problems.... You are just enjoying life.  Winter is known to be that time of the year, when most of people get depressed and apathetic,  when life seem to stop...  This simply means my positive outlook on life is still there and with time, things will only get better.

On the other hand, his words don't leave my head. I can't help but wonder, what if people do share and exchange energies? This sounds very silly, but I do believe in a lot of that stuff. What if I gave all my positive emotions to my superman and got his anger? People who see us together always say that we have an unbelievably strong connection between us. Unbelievable because it was that strong from the very start. Usually people who know each other few days or a week don't bond like we did. We feel each other's mood, we a lot of times share the same opinion about a person, things affect us the same. I have always thought that this strong connection is a 100% positive things, that there is nothing bad that can come out of it.... But what if we are connected so strongly, that we feed off each other's energy and while mine is always more optimistic and positive,  his is more skeptical and pessimistic....he takes mine and I take his... What if I am curing him by the means of losing my own personality?

To be honest, while I was writing this, I was in the analyzing mood, curious, wondering, not upset or sad. Even if my crazy theory about feeding off energies is right, it doesnt bother me. The thing that does, is my superman's other words:  " you are not the same person anymore. you are not that positive person I knew". These words give me bad chills. They ring in my ears and scare me more than anything. What if the continuation of these words was "you are not the person I felt in love with" or " you are not the person I love"...? If "curing" him means destroying myself, I don't care.... I love my superman to death, I would give my life for him... As long as he will still love the destroyed me...
Now analyzing these words gives me anxiety... that's why I am not going to get into the whole thinking about how changes in one partner's personality leads to other's realization that love was illusionary, and that the person in front of  him is not who he felt in love with.

We can't be certain in anything in our lives. But there is one thing, that I am sure about - my superman is my world and without him I am nothing

Live your life.

Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today (c) James T. Mccay


I have read this quote on my Superman's page and it got me thinking about the way we live our lives, or should I say "postpone" our lives. We always have big hopes for tomorrow, next month, next few years. Someone smarter than me once said that life is the time that goes by while we are busy making plans. Why do people take given time for granted? Why are we so confident that we will have tomorrow, or next week or next few years to change things, to do something we want, to say something we need? Who can possibly answer how many "tomorrows" one has?
Few days ago I caught myself planning or should I say day-dreaming, cause as practice shows, I suck at making plans. I was thinking about how much I want to do when spring comes....I caught myself on the thought "god, I can't wait till spring comes, we can do this and go see that" and I suddenly realized that while I am waiting for spring to start, my days are passing by, days that are irreplaceable and that will never come back. I have realized that due to the fact that I become very apathetic during winter, I have pretty much skipped this winter... And it never going to come back. Moreover, I cant even know for sure if I will have another winter...Another chance to see a Christmas Tree in the city center, to go try skiing, to drink hot chocolate and watch snowfall...oh and get white hat+scarf set and fluffy gloves...every winter think about it, but always end up choosing something darker, since white gets dirty easy. 
Every day that passes by will never be repeated. I think we all should change our attitude towards "today" and "tomorrow".  Every day is given for us to LIVE, not to wait till it passes by, so tomorrow we can do something. There might be no tomorrow. And this is a very bold, scary truth. You have absolutely  no idea how much more chances you will get to call your friends , or to say something important that we wanted to for a long time, or to go skiing, or try that strange cheese you look at in the store and think "one day I should try it"... A lot of times we hear  "live like there is no tomorrow" and we think "ugh, we always have to think about the future and what our actions today will lead to". I have started to realize, that for me this statement is more about not putting things we can start/try today for tomorrow. People have to stop "postponing" their lives. Even if those are little things, like trying that god damn cheese, or calling your friend that you havent seen for awhile, or getting a hair cut you were postponing till summer comes...
We really have no idea how much more of "tomorrows" we have left... Make today matter. LIVE your life.

A simple good day

My mood today changed so many times that I cant even follow when exactly I went from being cranky to happy, then to stressed and back to happy and now I am just disappointed and tired of the world.
Why it always has to be this way....No matter how hard I try, my plans never work out for me. People around me make plans, organize their lives and solve problems, and all I do is get rid of one stressful thing, and it gets replaced by few others... It is hard for me to remember one day when I was perfectly fine and spent it the way I wanted, with no unwanted calls, no unwanted messages, no fights with my superman, just a simple good day, nothing special, just a simple good day....


Tomorrow is the Valentine's Day, and a lot of girls (probably less guys) wait for this special day. No matter single or attached, they want to get something special out of it. People in the relationships look forward to share romantic mood with their beloved ones, fancy dinner, meaningful presents, getting rid of kids for one night, talks about how happy they are with each other and all that jazz. Singles dont miss an opportunity to point out the fact that they can't stand all the fuzz about this day, usually plan some party with their friend(s) get drunk and either have a one-night stand or spend a night crying about their ex or the absence of current bf/gf. Most of people have special plans for this so special day. So do I. More than anything I want this day to be perfect. And right now,  perfect day for me is simply a good day.


I simply want to be woken up by my superman kisses, with no alarm sound on the background and no urgent things to take care of. I want to see him in bed with me, with a smile on his face and still sleepy face (he looks adorable when he just woke up). This might sound odd to some people, but I want to make us breakfast, while he is taking a shower. Something simple, like pancakes or eggs with coffee or juice...I want to have breakfast together,  with no checking e-mails/skype/aim, no rushing to work, no stressful talks, just two of us, nothing else involved. Weather outside is terrible, and no matter how much I enjoy walking around the city, I dont want to do it on our simple good day....I want to stay in, watch a silly comedy or a silly horror movie and spend all day at home, with phones and internet off, like world does not exist...I do want to go out to dinner together, looking fabulous and happy together, nothing fancy, just his favorite place, no candles and other fancy stuff...We always have so much fun when we go out... Now I do want to say I want to take a walk in a city center, but then again, terrible weather ruins a picture in my head...Eh, what the hell, we can take a walk and freeze our asses off, cause I am sure we will find a way to warm up later on....Falling asleep together is also a part of my simple good day...Same time, good mood, one blanket, holding each other and talking about random crap, until my superman falls asleep in the middle of my sentence... Perfect ending of a perfect day...


I was never good with making plans. I am great at day dreaming about all sorts of crap, but making plans and be organized is not my thing... More than anything though I wish my tomorrow would turn into my simple good day, but for some reason I highly doubt that.
Although no matter what, I am not upset about it, I know me and my superman will have more Valentine's Days  and probably a lot of them would be much more special than the one I described...

Prove Me Love

About a year ago, I have read a novel by Frederick Beigbeder, one of the "Nouvelles sous ecstasy". It is about a couple, who were madly in love with each other and could not get enough of each other. Everything was going perfect, until one day a guy asked what she can do to prove her love to him. Her answer was "anything". Thats when it all started. They were determined to test each other's love and started coming up with silly wishes. It all went from "if you love me you will hold you breath for 30 seconds" and "if you love me you will hold your hand on a candle fire for 30 seconds" to "if you really love me, prove it by being a street hooker for one day" and "prove your love by raping a corpse on a funeral". They tried everything possible until one day he realized, there appeared a bad desire to hurt her as much as he can. Killing her would be too easy and considering he knew for a fact she will never be able to forget him, he left her for good. According to an author, the greatest prove of love is suffering from being apart....


This story got me thinking, does love need proofs? You never can be 100% sure what is in another person's head and heart, so should we just trust or seek for a proof?


One thing I realized about myself is that it all depends on how strong my feelings towards a person are. It bugged me for a long time, how come when our feelings with my superman are so strong, I get all sorts of questions in my head and look for signs of his love. Never seemed to happen before, but now I can drive myself crazy with thinking about how strong his feelings are, is his love as strong as mine is? The most annoying part is, I have never felt more loved and important. Never. Is that just human nature? When we get something, we always want more? Like with money. Never is enough. Is love a drug? When I start my endless questions, my superman tends to get upset and think he is not doing enough to show me his love or I dont trust him enough...But the thing is, he is doing and saying more than enough and I trust him more than any  other person in the world.  Maybe that what it is? When love is so strong, so is a fear of losing a person?


But what can this desire for proves lead to? Of course the novel is exaggerating things and if any of us would go that far with proving love, there will be only a few. But what if a person we want proves from will realize that he/she cant prove their love, and it will make them wonder if their love is really that strong? Maybe it is better not to question the strength of love? Maybe love is something we just feel and there is no good way to prove it....


Someone smarter than me once said: "dont ask what for someone loves you, because when he starts to think about it, he will realize there is nothing really to love you for"

Imperceptible Moments

Have you ever noticed the moment, when the snow starts falling down? Or the moment when a night ends and a day starts? Moment when  sugar completely dissolves in tea....or when nail polish dries off on your nails? Those are imperceptible moments...
It is impossible to notice a moment when love and happiness comes in your life and  heart. You dont know exactly when it happened, but from one morning on, you just start waking up with that feeling....


I love you, my superman...

Stolen

The ideal conditions that you are looking for don’t exist. We shall never be able to get rid of certain defects. The trick is to know that despite all your flaws you are an extraordinary person.
(c)


“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.”
(c)

Generalizations

I cant even describe how much I hate all these generalizations...


If you listen to pop-music - you have no taste. if you listen to hard-rock - you are aggressive suicidal person. if you dont have a good camera - you never will be able to take a good picture. or if you have one - you are a fashion victim, your parents got it for you, but you have no skills and you still never will be able to take a good picture. if you are still a virgin, you are weird, if not - slut. if you have a boyfriend - you are naive and too trustful. if you dont have one - you are a loser. if you study hard - you are a nerd. if you dont - you are irresponsible. if you dont have a job - you are a freeloader, when you have one, all you hear is how all you can think about is your work, you forgot all your friends and dont have time for yourself. if you love to stay at home - you are antisocial, you like to party - you dont think about the future. got married early - stupid girl. got married late - stupid girl. are not married - stupid girl.


You know what, people, Fuck off.

Perfect Flaws

When we are asked to describe our beloved person, we use all sorts of positive adjectives to describe them, "oh he is so smart", "she has a great sense of humor", "he is hot and sexy, "she has a great body, "he is strong and caring".....No one talks about the flaws of the person they love. More and more I think about it, I get to conclusion, that true love is not about good traits, but about flaws. We chose a person with "perfect flaws" that we can handle. Think about it, there are about 6 billions of people in this world, and each one of us probably met over 100 potential life partners...We can objectively say that a lot of people are more attractive, smarter, more caring, thoughtful than us or our beloved ones. But for some reason we love a particular person. What is it about a person we are madly in love with? It is easy to love for good traits, but much more harder to accept and love their flaws. I got to the conclusion, that each one of us chooses a person with perfect flaws...How many times while looking at your friend's partner, you thought "god, how can s/he put up with it? i would never be able to handle that". At the same time, things that we accept might be unacceptable for others.

Maybe on those dating web-sites, people should list their flaws and dont bother describing their good traits. I really think that would be much more useful. I can totally imagine a message "Hi, I read your profile and it says you talk too much and are a horrible listener. I love to listen and hate to talk. I think we are a match" =)

Intimacy

What can be more intimate than sex..?

Sharing headphones and listen to the same music. Him looking at you when you are sleeping, unguarded, innocent and vulnerable. Holding hands. Questions like "what do you dream about" and answers to that. Talks like "where did you get this scar" - this can be more intimate than him looking at your breasts.... When you finish his cold coffee... When he wipes your tears....Telling stories from your life....Sharing your fears. When he puts socks on your feet while you are asleep, so you dont get cold...

There are so many things that  only  people who are in love can share, that are more intimate than intercourse... Аs a matter of fact, anyone can fuck. 

I wrote this about a week ago, and after that I started thinking about how things are nowadays. Decades ago, sex was something so special and intimate, that only married couples were supposed to experience that. People met, spent years together, talking, holding hands, sharing special moments, until they decide that they are in love, they want to get married. Sex was a very intimate part of the relationships, something very special, something that a couple shared after they got married. Why nowadays it all became the opposite? 

Sex is no longer a special act. Anybody can fuck anybody. As a matter of fact, talks and sharing stuff became very special thing to do. But sex, no. We now have "fuck buddies", "friends with benefits", "one night stands". Sex is no longer something only people in love want to share. Virginity is no longer a value. Is this how things suppose to be or our generation is just fucked up? On one hand, sex is nothing special, it is a physical act, that brings pleasure to both (hopefully) parties. Why make a big deal of it? Sharing your fears with a person, yeah, this is something intimate and special, telling unpleasant stories from your past too, but sex, no, sex is nothing but a physical act. On the other hand, maybe we are fucked up and our values got all fucked up due to the new age of sexual freedom, where pretty much everything is acceptable, nothing is hided and sex is no longer a special intimate act that only married couple should have. We are willing to share our body with a person, but our emotions are only for special one...

I personally never believed in "one special person" who you can share your emotions and body with.  I dont have a big number of sexual partners, but at the same time never thought about waiting for my special one. Right now, when I have my superman and he shared some of his thoughts on this matter with me, I realized something. When we go and fuck around, we pretty much leave a piece of us with every single of our partners. i know this doesn't make much sense, but in the end, when we finally meet that special one, we dont have much to share with him/her. We suddenly realize that we do wish he/she was our first and the only one. Of course sex with a truly beloved person cannot be even close to a random one-night stand, but still, we already had it, there is not much of new emotions there. We are not nervous about it, we are more concerned about showing off our skills and experience.  For one second imagine, that the one you love and that loves you could share a first time together? And know that no one ever had made him/her feel this way, that this all new, fresh and you can share that together? Does sound good, doesnt it? 

How come nowadays talking became more intimate than sex? 

*random

U know, u love her because she has something you have never saw before. You look at her, and you understand, that there is no other like her. Everything is mixed inside of her...sleepless nights, her endless dreams, meaningless phrases...Her nothing alike craziness... 
And she sleeps like a baby, always stealin the blanket. And breathing...Breathing so deep, that it seems there is not  enough air for both of you...And you look at her in the dark, and try to take little breath, until you fall asleep.
She tells you to run away from her, before its too late. She tells you to save yourself. But you have no chance to get away...And you hold her, so close to yourself...Now she is yours, only yours...and she tells you to run away...silly...she just still doesnt understand that she is the only chance for you to get out of your personal hell. 


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Знаешь, ты любишь ее потому, что в ней есть все то, чего ты никогда не видел. Ты смотришь на нее и понимаешь, таких как она нет. И в ней все так перемешалось. Ее бесконечные ночи, распахнутые окна, разбросанные по полу вещи, ее сны, бессмысленные фразы. Ее ни на что не похожее сумасшествие. 

А спит она, как ребенок, перетягивая одеяло на себя. И дышит. Так глубоко дышит, что кажется воздуха для вас двоих не хватит. И ты смотришь на нее в этом тусклом сером свете и дышишь редко-редко, до головокружения. 

По ночам она тебе шепчет "спасайся". А тебе и деться то некуда. И ты сжимаешь ее, прижимаешь к себе. И вот только сейчас она вся твоя. Только твоя. А она просит спасаться. Дура. Она просто до сих пор не понимает, что она для тебя последний, единственный шанс вырваться из твоего почти обреченного мира.

Love is blind. Is it?

Someone said love is blind. Every one of us at least once used this quote. We look at certain couples and wonder, why he is with her? How can she be with him? Is s/he blind? And we tend to say that love is blind, meaning when person is in love, s/he doesnt see the true traits of the beloved person or sees the good traits that are not even there...


I am always getting upset, when my superman asks me, what good I see in him, what can I love him for. This just doesnt go in my head....He is an amazing person in any way possible. He is the most loyal friend, the most faithful person, always ready to help, the most caring and sweet guy. I tend to get mad at him when he speaks bad about himself. Sometimes I wish he could see himself with my eyes and eyes of other people who admire him. Everything about my superman is perfect to me. And I am not blind, my love is not blind. I know enough bad things about him, but they are meaningless to me. All the great things i see in him and tell him about, I mean.  It is not an illusion, it is a pure truth. Why cant he see that? How come he cant see positive things about himself like I do? hmm....this sounds familiar....


I used to love listening how my superman talks about me....All the good things he says about me to his friends, his family, random people....I used to love hearing how I am an amazing person, how caring and loving I am to him...I used to love listening to these talks...Until one day I realized that he really means it. At first I thought he just wants other people to think that I am a great girl and to show how happy he is with me...But one day I just realized he really means those things. My superman sees me as a perfect person. This brought a lot of thoughts and fears to my head. What if one day he realizes I am not even close to the person he sees me as. What if i will let him down? Disappoint him? I started telling him "These things are not true. I am not the best person in the world, I dont have a perfect body, I am not gorgeous. I am not the sweetest thing". When I tried to argue with him, he always got upset. "I wish you could see yourself the way i see you", he said once. Hmmm....I think I did hear this somewhere before....


When I tell my superman that he is perfect to me, I really mean it. So...when he says I am perfect....he means it too?


So is it love that is blind or people are? What if it is just us who cant see positive things anymore? It is easy to find a reason for those of us who are not satisfied with their looks. Nowadays it is hard to feel beautiful, when everywhere you see Beauty Icons, that are nothing more than a great work of stylists, tons of make-up and Photoshop. We tend to focus on our flaws, and it is hard not to, especially to those of us who had people around that were determined to prove us that we are no good, that we are worthless, etc. Is it us now who are blind to all the good things? Is a person who truly loves you is your only chance to finally see good things in yourself? Maybe we should stop saying that love is blind, cause right now it seems to me, that it is love that actually gives an opportunity for us to realize our good traits, even if it is through your partner's perspective.


I realized that I am a very lucky girl. I have a person by my side, who says I am perfect to him. And I think I believe him.....No, I am sure I believe him.