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Have you ever thought what the kid you once were would think of the grown up you are now? Would that little boy/girl look at you with admiration and think "i want to be like that when i will grow up"?



I have been travelling between these two cities for about 6 years now. When my parents used to live at my native town, I used to go visit very often. After they moved, there were just few times a year I did. I have never missed that place too much, because after I have "tasted" Kiev, there was barely anything i missed about my 'village" (that is how my superman calls it, although the population of that town is about 45000 people) Of course it was always nice to go back there and feel "out of place" in a good way. Self esteem growth really fast when you hear people talk and see the way they look. I am in no way being mean, I am being realistic. It seems young people who stayed there (majority, not all) do not care to develop as a personality, they are happy with what they have and have no desire to change anything in their lives. Girls do not mind to look exactly the same, in fact, if someone choses to look differently it is the reason for weird looks and talks. It is pretty much people's choice to stay exactly the same in all aspects...

I got off the bus, took a cab and had a nice 5 minutes excursion from the bus station to my aunt's house. Nothing changed. Few stores opened, but everything is exactly the same as it was a year ago, two years ago, 6 years ago. The town didn't change. It is still very beautiful in spring, lots of trees and few parks, but still very boring as every other little town in Ukraine. I needed to go get my picture taken for my passport and as i walked towards the studio, one major difference from Kiev kicked in. It was unbeliavable quite there. There is not many roads in the area I live in, and you can hear only few passing by. It was a working day and 1pm, everyone were either at work, or at school. There were only few random "guests" on the streets. It was so quite I almost felt like people can hear me think. First I enjoyed the quitness, but as day went by, it started to creep me out. I felt like I am all alone in these streets, I am so out place, I am so noticable and I really missed the busy capital where you can always get lost amoung people and hide in the crowd. There, you have no place to hide...

After I was done taking care of my things i decided to head home to my apartment and take a nap after a tiring trip. I opened the door to the place where I have spent 17 years straight and I was overwhelmed by different feelings. I was at home, I grew up in this appartment, everything in there was familiar, but at the samae time, I felt like a stranger. SOmething has changed in that place. I have put my bags down and walked in my room...nothing had changed. My piano is still standing lonely and is more like a shelf for my picture frames, stuffed animals, other random crap...As I was walking around the apartment I have realized that you can almost smell the absense of people there. No one lives there for over 4 years now and you can literally feel the emptiness that is present...
I was brushing my hair and in the mirror I saw a reflection of the picture on the wall behind me. It was a picture of me when I was about 8 years old with my mom. For some reason, at that moment I started thinking about the fact that time goes by so quickly. It seemed only yesterday I was standing in front of this very same mirror and was getting ready to go to school. That dress I was wearing on that picture,, I wonder where is it right now? I looked at the 8 years old girl on that picture and I wondered, is this who she would want to become in 14 years? I also became very jealous of her...When you are 8 years old, you don't know exactly how world works. You have tons of insane dreams, you imagine your future and you are sure everything will be exactly like you want it to be. and here I was, 22 years old with more realistic plans for the future, less insane dreams in my head and a feeling of emptiness inside. For some reason, that apartment felt like a place of broken dreams or something...Of course I wouldnt even dream of the things I have in my life, but for some reason I felt like most of my life is gone and what I have achieved right now (nothing pretty much) is all I can....Silly, I know, but I left my apartment really fast, because I couldnt stand the feeling of passing time...

This post had a continuation and at the end I wrote that when I came back in Kiev I felt home. I finally realized that this busy city is mine. After 5 years saying how much I hate the traffic and people around, I finally felt like Im home...Mostly because my other "half" stayed in this city and was waiting for me to come back... Anyways, this post was much longer, but first of all I have not saved the draft of the second part and retyping it is just meaningless, not that anyone would bother to read.

Rainy days

Beginning of May is known for being a raining month in Kiev. Lucky me went to work with no umbrella or hoody and I got socked wet under the poring May rain...

I walked out of my office building and realized I am screwed. Heavy rain is not a type of weather you want to walk home in, considering my work is 15 minutes away from it. Here I was, walking in my short dress, open shoes with no umbrella or chance to get a cab. I was trying to concentrate on something positive, but it only worked until I stepped in a huge puddle and my shoes were filled with cold water. I literally started laughing. It was more like a desperate laugh, one you get when you are pissed to the point where you can't cry, you just laugh. "Seriously, - I thought, - Are you guys on crack there or something?" I was asking that question whoever is up there in the sky, Jesus, Buddha, universe....Whatever. Anything else you want me to go through today?... I was swearing in my mind and thought about how sucky my life is getting, how lonely, cold and miserable I am on this street, walking home in the rain, with no chance to change anything...Suddenly my thoughts changed after I turned around the corner and saw people with no umbrellas: some running to the closest bus stop, some walking slowly and accepting the inevitable, some standing under the roofs of the stores waiting for the rain to stop. This made me realize, I am not alone in this situation, I am not the only one who got socked wet and is forced to deal with this weather. I also realized, this is like our problems. When we are facing them, we think we are the only person who is dealing with this in the whole world. We feel that is so unfair and hard, that no one can understand. That is not true. There are people around the corner who are in the same shit as we are. You might not see them, know them, but they are there. Some are fighting these problems, they still believe they can, some are simply accepting them and some are waiting for them to pass by, like those people who were standing under the roof, waiting  for the rain to pass. People love to feel exclusive and think that they are the only ones who have to go through this particular situation, but the truth is, we are not. We might handle things differently and for some people certain problems are more difficult than for others, but it doesnt change the fact that we are not alone. Problems also have a tendency to pass, just like the rain. We might still be wet after it, but sooner or later, we dry off and are back to normal "dry" life...

While I was walking home, I also remembered how last year I was waiting for a bus on the bus stop and it randomly started to rain. I had no umbrella and no place to hide. There was a girl standing next to me, and she offered me to hide under her's. We didn't know each other, but she was willing to help me, just because she could. There are people who are willing to help us when we least expect that. They might not be our family, our friends or even people we know. It can be a total stranger who is facing the same problem. It can be just a total stranger with the umbrella...