A simple good day

My mood today changed so many times that I cant even follow when exactly I went from being cranky to happy, then to stressed and back to happy and now I am just disappointed and tired of the world.
Why it always has to be this way....No matter how hard I try, my plans never work out for me. People around me make plans, organize their lives and solve problems, and all I do is get rid of one stressful thing, and it gets replaced by few others... It is hard for me to remember one day when I was perfectly fine and spent it the way I wanted, with no unwanted calls, no unwanted messages, no fights with my superman, just a simple good day, nothing special, just a simple good day....


Tomorrow is the Valentine's Day, and a lot of girls (probably less guys) wait for this special day. No matter single or attached, they want to get something special out of it. People in the relationships look forward to share romantic mood with their beloved ones, fancy dinner, meaningful presents, getting rid of kids for one night, talks about how happy they are with each other and all that jazz. Singles dont miss an opportunity to point out the fact that they can't stand all the fuzz about this day, usually plan some party with their friend(s) get drunk and either have a one-night stand or spend a night crying about their ex or the absence of current bf/gf. Most of people have special plans for this so special day. So do I. More than anything I want this day to be perfect. And right now,  perfect day for me is simply a good day.


I simply want to be woken up by my superman kisses, with no alarm sound on the background and no urgent things to take care of. I want to see him in bed with me, with a smile on his face and still sleepy face (he looks adorable when he just woke up). This might sound odd to some people, but I want to make us breakfast, while he is taking a shower. Something simple, like pancakes or eggs with coffee or juice...I want to have breakfast together,  with no checking e-mails/skype/aim, no rushing to work, no stressful talks, just two of us, nothing else involved. Weather outside is terrible, and no matter how much I enjoy walking around the city, I dont want to do it on our simple good day....I want to stay in, watch a silly comedy or a silly horror movie and spend all day at home, with phones and internet off, like world does not exist...I do want to go out to dinner together, looking fabulous and happy together, nothing fancy, just his favorite place, no candles and other fancy stuff...We always have so much fun when we go out... Now I do want to say I want to take a walk in a city center, but then again, terrible weather ruins a picture in my head...Eh, what the hell, we can take a walk and freeze our asses off, cause I am sure we will find a way to warm up later on....Falling asleep together is also a part of my simple good day...Same time, good mood, one blanket, holding each other and talking about random crap, until my superman falls asleep in the middle of my sentence... Perfect ending of a perfect day...


I was never good with making plans. I am great at day dreaming about all sorts of crap, but making plans and be organized is not my thing... More than anything though I wish my tomorrow would turn into my simple good day, but for some reason I highly doubt that.
Although no matter what, I am not upset about it, I know me and my superman will have more Valentine's Days  and probably a lot of them would be much more special than the one I described...

Prove Me Love

About a year ago, I have read a novel by Frederick Beigbeder, one of the "Nouvelles sous ecstasy". It is about a couple, who were madly in love with each other and could not get enough of each other. Everything was going perfect, until one day a guy asked what she can do to prove her love to him. Her answer was "anything". Thats when it all started. They were determined to test each other's love and started coming up with silly wishes. It all went from "if you love me you will hold you breath for 30 seconds" and "if you love me you will hold your hand on a candle fire for 30 seconds" to "if you really love me, prove it by being a street hooker for one day" and "prove your love by raping a corpse on a funeral". They tried everything possible until one day he realized, there appeared a bad desire to hurt her as much as he can. Killing her would be too easy and considering he knew for a fact she will never be able to forget him, he left her for good. According to an author, the greatest prove of love is suffering from being apart....


This story got me thinking, does love need proofs? You never can be 100% sure what is in another person's head and heart, so should we just trust or seek for a proof?


One thing I realized about myself is that it all depends on how strong my feelings towards a person are. It bugged me for a long time, how come when our feelings with my superman are so strong, I get all sorts of questions in my head and look for signs of his love. Never seemed to happen before, but now I can drive myself crazy with thinking about how strong his feelings are, is his love as strong as mine is? The most annoying part is, I have never felt more loved and important. Never. Is that just human nature? When we get something, we always want more? Like with money. Never is enough. Is love a drug? When I start my endless questions, my superman tends to get upset and think he is not doing enough to show me his love or I dont trust him enough...But the thing is, he is doing and saying more than enough and I trust him more than any  other person in the world.  Maybe that what it is? When love is so strong, so is a fear of losing a person?


But what can this desire for proves lead to? Of course the novel is exaggerating things and if any of us would go that far with proving love, there will be only a few. But what if a person we want proves from will realize that he/she cant prove their love, and it will make them wonder if their love is really that strong? Maybe it is better not to question the strength of love? Maybe love is something we just feel and there is no good way to prove it....


Someone smarter than me once said: "dont ask what for someone loves you, because when he starts to think about it, he will realize there is nothing really to love you for"

Imperceptible Moments

Have you ever noticed the moment, when the snow starts falling down? Or the moment when a night ends and a day starts? Moment when  sugar completely dissolves in tea....or when nail polish dries off on your nails? Those are imperceptible moments...
It is impossible to notice a moment when love and happiness comes in your life and  heart. You dont know exactly when it happened, but from one morning on, you just start waking up with that feeling....


I love you, my superman...

Stolen

The ideal conditions that you are looking for don’t exist. We shall never be able to get rid of certain defects. The trick is to know that despite all your flaws you are an extraordinary person.
(c)


“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.”
(c)

Generalizations

I cant even describe how much I hate all these generalizations...


If you listen to pop-music - you have no taste. if you listen to hard-rock - you are aggressive suicidal person. if you dont have a good camera - you never will be able to take a good picture. or if you have one - you are a fashion victim, your parents got it for you, but you have no skills and you still never will be able to take a good picture. if you are still a virgin, you are weird, if not - slut. if you have a boyfriend - you are naive and too trustful. if you dont have one - you are a loser. if you study hard - you are a nerd. if you dont - you are irresponsible. if you dont have a job - you are a freeloader, when you have one, all you hear is how all you can think about is your work, you forgot all your friends and dont have time for yourself. if you love to stay at home - you are antisocial, you like to party - you dont think about the future. got married early - stupid girl. got married late - stupid girl. are not married - stupid girl.


You know what, people, Fuck off.

Perfect Flaws

When we are asked to describe our beloved person, we use all sorts of positive adjectives to describe them, "oh he is so smart", "she has a great sense of humor", "he is hot and sexy, "she has a great body, "he is strong and caring".....No one talks about the flaws of the person they love. More and more I think about it, I get to conclusion, that true love is not about good traits, but about flaws. We chose a person with "perfect flaws" that we can handle. Think about it, there are about 6 billions of people in this world, and each one of us probably met over 100 potential life partners...We can objectively say that a lot of people are more attractive, smarter, more caring, thoughtful than us or our beloved ones. But for some reason we love a particular person. What is it about a person we are madly in love with? It is easy to love for good traits, but much more harder to accept and love their flaws. I got to the conclusion, that each one of us chooses a person with perfect flaws...How many times while looking at your friend's partner, you thought "god, how can s/he put up with it? i would never be able to handle that". At the same time, things that we accept might be unacceptable for others.

Maybe on those dating web-sites, people should list their flaws and dont bother describing their good traits. I really think that would be much more useful. I can totally imagine a message "Hi, I read your profile and it says you talk too much and are a horrible listener. I love to listen and hate to talk. I think we are a match" =)

Intimacy

What can be more intimate than sex..?

Sharing headphones and listen to the same music. Him looking at you when you are sleeping, unguarded, innocent and vulnerable. Holding hands. Questions like "what do you dream about" and answers to that. Talks like "where did you get this scar" - this can be more intimate than him looking at your breasts.... When you finish his cold coffee... When he wipes your tears....Telling stories from your life....Sharing your fears. When he puts socks on your feet while you are asleep, so you dont get cold...

There are so many things that  only  people who are in love can share, that are more intimate than intercourse... Аs a matter of fact, anyone can fuck. 

I wrote this about a week ago, and after that I started thinking about how things are nowadays. Decades ago, sex was something so special and intimate, that only married couples were supposed to experience that. People met, spent years together, talking, holding hands, sharing special moments, until they decide that they are in love, they want to get married. Sex was a very intimate part of the relationships, something very special, something that a couple shared after they got married. Why nowadays it all became the opposite? 

Sex is no longer a special act. Anybody can fuck anybody. As a matter of fact, talks and sharing stuff became very special thing to do. But sex, no. We now have "fuck buddies", "friends with benefits", "one night stands". Sex is no longer something only people in love want to share. Virginity is no longer a value. Is this how things suppose to be or our generation is just fucked up? On one hand, sex is nothing special, it is a physical act, that brings pleasure to both (hopefully) parties. Why make a big deal of it? Sharing your fears with a person, yeah, this is something intimate and special, telling unpleasant stories from your past too, but sex, no, sex is nothing but a physical act. On the other hand, maybe we are fucked up and our values got all fucked up due to the new age of sexual freedom, where pretty much everything is acceptable, nothing is hided and sex is no longer a special intimate act that only married couple should have. We are willing to share our body with a person, but our emotions are only for special one...

I personally never believed in "one special person" who you can share your emotions and body with.  I dont have a big number of sexual partners, but at the same time never thought about waiting for my special one. Right now, when I have my superman and he shared some of his thoughts on this matter with me, I realized something. When we go and fuck around, we pretty much leave a piece of us with every single of our partners. i know this doesn't make much sense, but in the end, when we finally meet that special one, we dont have much to share with him/her. We suddenly realize that we do wish he/she was our first and the only one. Of course sex with a truly beloved person cannot be even close to a random one-night stand, but still, we already had it, there is not much of new emotions there. We are not nervous about it, we are more concerned about showing off our skills and experience.  For one second imagine, that the one you love and that loves you could share a first time together? And know that no one ever had made him/her feel this way, that this all new, fresh and you can share that together? Does sound good, doesnt it? 

How come nowadays talking became more intimate than sex? 

*random

U know, u love her because she has something you have never saw before. You look at her, and you understand, that there is no other like her. Everything is mixed inside of her...sleepless nights, her endless dreams, meaningless phrases...Her nothing alike craziness... 
And she sleeps like a baby, always stealin the blanket. And breathing...Breathing so deep, that it seems there is not  enough air for both of you...And you look at her in the dark, and try to take little breath, until you fall asleep.
She tells you to run away from her, before its too late. She tells you to save yourself. But you have no chance to get away...And you hold her, so close to yourself...Now she is yours, only yours...and she tells you to run away...silly...she just still doesnt understand that she is the only chance for you to get out of your personal hell. 


***********

Знаешь, ты любишь ее потому, что в ней есть все то, чего ты никогда не видел. Ты смотришь на нее и понимаешь, таких как она нет. И в ней все так перемешалось. Ее бесконечные ночи, распахнутые окна, разбросанные по полу вещи, ее сны, бессмысленные фразы. Ее ни на что не похожее сумасшествие. 

А спит она, как ребенок, перетягивая одеяло на себя. И дышит. Так глубоко дышит, что кажется воздуха для вас двоих не хватит. И ты смотришь на нее в этом тусклом сером свете и дышишь редко-редко, до головокружения. 

По ночам она тебе шепчет "спасайся". А тебе и деться то некуда. И ты сжимаешь ее, прижимаешь к себе. И вот только сейчас она вся твоя. Только твоя. А она просит спасаться. Дура. Она просто до сих пор не понимает, что она для тебя последний, единственный шанс вырваться из твоего почти обреченного мира.

Love is blind. Is it?

Someone said love is blind. Every one of us at least once used this quote. We look at certain couples and wonder, why he is with her? How can she be with him? Is s/he blind? And we tend to say that love is blind, meaning when person is in love, s/he doesnt see the true traits of the beloved person or sees the good traits that are not even there...


I am always getting upset, when my superman asks me, what good I see in him, what can I love him for. This just doesnt go in my head....He is an amazing person in any way possible. He is the most loyal friend, the most faithful person, always ready to help, the most caring and sweet guy. I tend to get mad at him when he speaks bad about himself. Sometimes I wish he could see himself with my eyes and eyes of other people who admire him. Everything about my superman is perfect to me. And I am not blind, my love is not blind. I know enough bad things about him, but they are meaningless to me. All the great things i see in him and tell him about, I mean.  It is not an illusion, it is a pure truth. Why cant he see that? How come he cant see positive things about himself like I do? hmm....this sounds familiar....


I used to love listening how my superman talks about me....All the good things he says about me to his friends, his family, random people....I used to love hearing how I am an amazing person, how caring and loving I am to him...I used to love listening to these talks...Until one day I realized that he really means it. At first I thought he just wants other people to think that I am a great girl and to show how happy he is with me...But one day I just realized he really means those things. My superman sees me as a perfect person. This brought a lot of thoughts and fears to my head. What if one day he realizes I am not even close to the person he sees me as. What if i will let him down? Disappoint him? I started telling him "These things are not true. I am not the best person in the world, I dont have a perfect body, I am not gorgeous. I am not the sweetest thing". When I tried to argue with him, he always got upset. "I wish you could see yourself the way i see you", he said once. Hmmm....I think I did hear this somewhere before....


When I tell my superman that he is perfect to me, I really mean it. So...when he says I am perfect....he means it too?


So is it love that is blind or people are? What if it is just us who cant see positive things anymore? It is easy to find a reason for those of us who are not satisfied with their looks. Nowadays it is hard to feel beautiful, when everywhere you see Beauty Icons, that are nothing more than a great work of stylists, tons of make-up and Photoshop. We tend to focus on our flaws, and it is hard not to, especially to those of us who had people around that were determined to prove us that we are no good, that we are worthless, etc. Is it us now who are blind to all the good things? Is a person who truly loves you is your only chance to finally see good things in yourself? Maybe we should stop saying that love is blind, cause right now it seems to me, that it is love that actually gives an opportunity for us to realize our good traits, even if it is through your partner's perspective.


I realized that I am a very lucky girl. I have a person by my side, who says I am perfect to him. And I think I believe him.....No, I am sure I believe him.