Boys and Girls

My superman once said "the only reason why foreign men are marrying Ukrainian women is that they want to have a personal slave, who will do everything". This statement was very surprising for me and I strongly disagree with it. Primary because since when taking care of your beloved person is considering to be slavery? The other opinion on this matter I got from one foreigner who came to Ukraine to find a wife. He told me, that the reason why he wants a ukrainian wife was because women here are much more loving and caring, than in Europe and that they have a kind heart and soul. This statement got me to thinking why is it so? Why women overseas are so much different from women here? Is it us that are stuck in the past and are slaves for their husbands (according to my superman) or it is them that are losing their feminine features?


I have to admit that I really haven't form my opinion on this matter yet. On one hand, I always tried to make sure I do not depend on men, that I take care of myself or I will be able to if anything happens. I do think that it is very important for the girl to be educated and have a job to make sure she is independent. On the other hand, I believe that woman has a right to be weak and should be weak. I can imagine all these feminist ladies arguing with me about this, but I do. Of course it is important to have equal rights and everything, but there is a reason why girls "were made" with weaker bodies and tender skin, with less physical strength, etc. Why it is so important for the women to lose the inequality between genders? Why taking care of your man is even by men is considering to be slavery now?


I do think that it is very important for the girl always stay a girl. I might be a little bit stereotypical, but this is how I think things suppose to be. I do believe girl should have more dresses and skirts than pants, I do believe that girl should know how to cook (even though I myself am the suckiest housewife), I do believe that girl should be weaker than her man and always be able to rely on him and ask for help. Someone smarter than me said "strong woman needs a stronger man to feel weak with him". I do hear a lot of girls complaining how men are  becoming more and more weaker and it is hard to find a real men in today's world. Also, how it is very hard for a strong independent woman to get into relationships. Of course it will be! It is men's nature to be/feel stronger, smarter. better than women. The fact that laws changed and women are considered to be equal to men on the paper doesnt change the fact that for hundreds and hundreds years men were the "leading" gender. I am not at all trying to say I am very acknowledged in psychology, but I do have my own opinion on how girls and boys work. A man will not stand competition, especially with his woman. My personal principal is if you want to keep a guy, make sure he knows he is important for you, let him be the stronger party, the smarter party, let him be your hero. In my current relationship I don't even need to make an effort, since it is like that with my superman. He is my hero in a lot of ways and I can afford feeling/being weak with him.


Until someone will tell me exactly what is this feminism about and what it is really for, I am staying with my thoughts on this matter. I prefer to have an opportunity to be independent, that is why I made sure I become an educated person with qualities that can help me get a job, but I do not want to actually be independent unless I want to, if that makes sense. In my perfect picture, a woman is the one who takes care of her man, while he is taking care of her, in different ways. This is a real marriage. Both are depending on each other. I mean, if you can't rely on the person you promised to spend forever with, who can you rely on?

Modifiche

This past few months were very different for me and my superman. We have started fighting. For most people this sounds funny, since it is quite a normal thing for couples to fight. Not for us. We don't fight. I can recall only one or two fights we had before and they were not even close to be as ugly as our few last fights. The major things that changed are me actually being able to make him mad and him actually make me hurt. If you ask me, I have no idea where these fights come from, why do they start and what are they for. In the end of last few my superman brought up the same thing that bugs him. I have written about it a little bit before, about my changes and me losing positive outlook on life that he loved so much. I have started looking at his statements from a different prospective....What if I have changed? What if I am depressed? What if I am not doing good emotionally? Can this be a problem? As it turns out, it is the problem, since I am the one who keeps him positive, so I can not afford being depressed myself....My superman didnt say it like that, but his main point was "i need you to be a certain way" (c) 

More I think about that conversation, more it makes me confused. We are about to get married and my fiance tells me that the way I am right now is not good. He was really honest about it too, when I asked him "does this means I can never be depressed and rely on your support", he said "not when you are th one keeping me positive". I have heard this so many times now, I am tired of proving him it is not me. I have told him numerous times that he has to stop thinking and saying I have done something for him and that I am keeping him in the right condition. My superman amazes me in a lot of ways, especially the progress he have made since we first met. I saw him changing in a good way every day and words can not express how proud I was of him. No matter how many times he will repeat I have something to do with it, I still think that without his will, his unbelievable inner strength and desire, nothing would've changed. That's what it is. I can agree that I might have given him a desire to change, a reason to change his life style and outlook on things, but everything else was accomplished by him. And I truly hope one day, darling, you will realize it yourself and stop seeing me like a foundation of a new you...If anything will ever happen to me, one thing I want to be sure about, that you will not destroy your life and think that without me nothing makes sense or has a meaning.

Now back to me being confused about my superman's words. I was laying in bes last night with no sleep and thinking about our talk. How is that possible he needs me a certain way...I am a human being. Moreover, I am a female, a 21 year old female, whose personality is not even done forming yet. I realized, that my superman needs someone stable by his side, to keep him stable. I also realized I am nothing like stable. One day I woke up, and I became a vegetarian and lasted over 6 months with no regrets or troubles. People get used to not eating meat for months and i just decided that overnight. Another morning in my life I decided I quit smoking. Let me tell you something about me, I have tried quiting since I was 16. Never happened. One lovely morning I wake up and I realize I do not need smoking anymore. And I quit. Just like that. Never slipped even once during next 8 or 9 months, until one day I decided I want to smoke again. See what i am saying? How can I assure my superman that one morning I will not wake up with the desire to kill myself? Or with the terrible hate towards whole world? How can I promise him that I will not decide to spent few weeks in bed with no food or communication like it happened to me before? How can I tell him that I will never have him sitting near me all night and listening to my heartbeat because I will be freaking out it can stop? I can't....And his probable thought is  "if you are happy with me, none of this should happen". One thing my superman doesnt seem to realize that my happiness depends on his happiness as much as his happiness depends on mine. Past few months were not good for both of us. In a lot of ways. We both know everything will be better soon. For now though, I want to be sure, that no matter what, I have his support like he has mine. And I want him to realize, that when I wake up and see him in pain, I can not have my positive outlook on life. Until I wake up and see his smiling face next to mine with no pain or tiredness in his eyes again, I can not be that happy person I was back then.

If my superman thinks I have changed, I think that everything in our life changed.

Fighter

If you can't find peace inside yourself, it is useless to look for it somewhere else (c)

My superman doesnt know, but a lot of times I watch him while he is sleeping and wonder what is he dreaming about, what was on his mind before he felt asleep, what will be his first thought when he will wake up. I look at him and I get all sorts of mixed emotions. He doesn't know, but sometimes I look a him and wonder, what is on his mind? What is is like to feel what he feels and live with what he lives...He doesn't know, but I wonder, what is it like to fight an invisible enemy every day of your life? What is it like to fight yourself every single day of your life and not be sure that you are fighting on the right side? I wonder, is it possible to be a winner in the battle with yourself?

After certain time spent together, I have realized that my superman has a lot of anger inside of him and it either gets projected on someone or it becomes self destructive for himself. Sometimes it seems like unless he has someone to hate, he doesnt feel right. My superman himself said so many times that I will never understand what it is like to overcome yourself every single day. That is pure truth, I will never understand, even though a lot of times I really want to. I am not sure if his anger has been building up before the war, or it is just a "side-effect" of it, but I for some reason think it has more to do with his life before an actual war...At least there he had an actual enemy to fight, but after the war is over, what is it left there to fight? If all the anger that was build up during years of dealing with people who reject you, lie to you, use you, has no way out, what happens than? I look at him sometimes and realize that he creates new enemies for himself to let it out on someone, so it doesnt destroy him inside. If your whole life you were persuaded that you are nothing but a failure by your own parents, it is a very predictable outcome that you will start to hate yourself even if you do not realize it yet. When you feel like a reason for someone's unhappy life, especially if that someone is supposed to be the closest person in the world, you get a guilt building up inside yourself, even if there is absolutely nothing you did, except being born. When I think about all the years he felt guilty for his parents unhappy life, I can't help but get a desperate desire to prove him that it is not at all his fault. He will never admit those feelings are there, but I do believe that unconsciously he feels guilty and maybe even hates himself for something that he have never actually done. As much as his anger is directed at certain people, it is also directed at himself. It seems easier to fight someone particularly than to have all that rage inside of you. I don't think there is any chance for victory when you fight with yourself.... 

I look at him and wonder, if I ever be able to make him truly happy with life? Will I ever be able to prove him that his war is over and that there is no one more to fight? Will he ever be able to find peace is his heart and let go the anger that was build up inside of him for years? Can he ever let go the guilt his parents put on him for no reason and realize he deserves all the good things in life?

My superman told me few times that he doesnt understand why I want to deal with him and his anger till the rest of my life. He told me that he is not even sure if he will ever be able to have a normal happy life that will be filled with positive emotions. Little does he know that if one day he decides to take a gun and shoot down the whole world, I will be standing by his side and hand him the bullets.

P.S. I know how much you wanted to find out what this post will be about...I am sorry to disappoint you since it came out very messy and senseless. I have written my thoughts down in russian and most of it is impossible for me to translate. The most important is though, that I love you, my soldier, and even if you are a fighter by your nature, I truly hope that one day you will put your walls down and let the peace in your heart and soul. I hope one day you will realize that you are an amazing person, who deserves a great happy life filled with positive emotions and events. There is nothing more to prove, there is nothing more to fight. You are perfect the way you are and you should be proud of yourself, like I am proud of you.

Once Upon a Time

Pretty much every fairytale starts with these words. Let me start mine the same...

Once upon a time there was Me, a 21 year old girl, who was taking her break/vacations in city named Odessa, by the Black Sea. And there was He, a man who was travelling around Europe, "reseting" his mind after certain events is his life. We met on a sunny day at the local beach and neither of us had any intentions of getting into serious relationships, falling in love or getting married whatsoever. But here I am, 9 months later writing this blog with the ring on my finger, that was given by the man I met at the beach of Odessa...

There were a lot of things that happen between the day we met and the day we decided that we are officially dating. The funny part is, only 3 days passed, but cause of the emotions that were present it felt like it has been months since we met. 

My first real memory about Him is the walk to the beach at 3am in the morning. I do not understand what exactly made me say Yes to a pretty much total stranger and agree to go watch sunrise at the beach. All I know is that I really could not get enough of Him. I just could not stop talking with him. According to him, he felt the same way. We have spent over 5 hours alone at the empty beach and all we did was talking about everything and nothing. I can recall parts of that conversation,  but if you ask me what did we talk about, I can not answer that.

The second thing I remember clearly as day is the moment when I realized that I don;t want Him ever leaving my life. I got in the hospital with allergic reactions and got several shots that were supposed to make me feel better. He was there with me all along, making sure I get good treatment and everything will be fine. This happened late at night and by the time we got home, both of us were pretty tired. I felt asleep immediately, but woke up few hours later and saw him playing on his laptop. I asked if he is going to bed any time soon, he said, yes, don;t worry, go back to sleep. I woke up in the morning and saw him in the same exact position by me with the laptop on his hands. I asked if he slept at all last night and he said "no, I wanted to make sure you are ok. Someone needed to listen to you breathing and checking on your fever". That was the moment when I realized that this is the man who I want to be by my side forever. Although that exact thought freaked me out, because that was pretty much first week of us dating. 

People around us noticed the connection me and him were having. No one could believe that we know each other few days or few weeks.  A lot of people said it seemed we were together for years. Honestly, I felt like that too.

Summer 2010 has changed both of our lives. I have finally found a man who makes me happy, truly loves me and who I can trust my life and he....And he says he is on the right path, that I have showed him positive side of life and made him happy.

Summer is gone, we are about to get married. Certain things are tough right now and we both hope they will pass. I personally think there is nothing we can't overcome together. We were meant to be, we didnt "just happen". There was too much things that made sure we meet and stay together. There is too strong of connection between us. 

Once upon a time we met on the beach in Odessa and we are living happily ever after. 

formspring.me

"Supergirl" on Formspring http://www.formspring.me/ElenaTsu

The Cure

I think that pretty much every close person in our life has an impact on us, our behavior, our mood, our personality. I don't believe that people enter our life and there presence is meaningless, that they don't bring anything with them. Whether it is good or bad, whether we realize it or not, certain people affect us or change us.

My superman said one thing to me, that stuck in my head: "it seems like more I get good traits from you, more I change in a good way with you, more you get my traits, my anger and rage". First thought I got after he said it was "like cats". There is a belief, that cats can cure people by taking their sickness on them, that they sleep on the spot that has bad energy, energy of disease and take that energy away. While a person gets cured and better, a cat dies from whatever the sickness was. It got me thinking, what if my superman had a point? What if he is right? What if more I give my positive attitude and outlook on life to him, I lose it myself and get his traits? We all heard about "energy vampires" that not intentionally affect people around, but is there such thing as exchanging attitudes?

I have always been bad with controlling my emotions, especially bad ones. My biggest problem was I got irritated easily and with any little thing. After certain events in my life, I got better and understood that life is too short for getting pissed about it. About 2 years ago, I have had a period, when I was depressed for over 2 months and spent them thinking about value of life, its sense and things that make people satisfied with it. That life period changed my attitude and outlook on life. I realized that we are given this opportunity only once and that we should appreciate life no matter what. I have become more calm and day by day was learning to appreciate little things that make me smile and bring me good emotions. 

When I met my superman, I met a lost person, well, lost is a wrong word, I met a person who was hurt and disappointed all his life, a person who took life as a meaningless process, that doesnt have anything good to offer to him. He asked me all sorts of questions, like "what is there good for me in life?", 'what should I be happy about?" "how can I be positive if this and this happened to me?". While I was talking to him, i didnt hide my confusion, I couldnt understand how one can not see what I see, I was trying to share things I realized while I was depressed, I shared my love to life. Somehow, our differences brought us together and as my superman always says, I am changed him and showed him positive things in life...

I have to admit that last few weeks I have noticed myself changing. I have noticed, that there are times where I realize that I just want to stay in bed all day and say "fuck off" to the world. I wasn't trying to analyze my behavior, until my superman said those words. And now here I am.

On one hand, I think that this is just a hard period in my life. I think about my summer, when supposably  I have changed my superman's outlook on life and I realize that back then it was much more easier to have positive mood all the time. It's summer, the whether is great, you are living by the beach, everyone around you are on vacations, you are looking good and tanned, you don't have to worry about work/school/problems.... You are just enjoying life.  Winter is known to be that time of the year, when most of people get depressed and apathetic,  when life seem to stop...  This simply means my positive outlook on life is still there and with time, things will only get better.

On the other hand, his words don't leave my head. I can't help but wonder, what if people do share and exchange energies? This sounds very silly, but I do believe in a lot of that stuff. What if I gave all my positive emotions to my superman and got his anger? People who see us together always say that we have an unbelievably strong connection between us. Unbelievable because it was that strong from the very start. Usually people who know each other few days or a week don't bond like we did. We feel each other's mood, we a lot of times share the same opinion about a person, things affect us the same. I have always thought that this strong connection is a 100% positive things, that there is nothing bad that can come out of it.... But what if we are connected so strongly, that we feed off each other's energy and while mine is always more optimistic and positive,  his is more skeptical and pessimistic....he takes mine and I take his... What if I am curing him by the means of losing my own personality?

To be honest, while I was writing this, I was in the analyzing mood, curious, wondering, not upset or sad. Even if my crazy theory about feeding off energies is right, it doesnt bother me. The thing that does, is my superman's other words:  " you are not the same person anymore. you are not that positive person I knew". These words give me bad chills. They ring in my ears and scare me more than anything. What if the continuation of these words was "you are not the person I felt in love with" or " you are not the person I love"...? If "curing" him means destroying myself, I don't care.... I love my superman to death, I would give my life for him... As long as he will still love the destroyed me...
Now analyzing these words gives me anxiety... that's why I am not going to get into the whole thinking about how changes in one partner's personality leads to other's realization that love was illusionary, and that the person in front of  him is not who he felt in love with.

We can't be certain in anything in our lives. But there is one thing, that I am sure about - my superman is my world and without him I am nothing

Live your life.

Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today (c) James T. Mccay


I have read this quote on my Superman's page and it got me thinking about the way we live our lives, or should I say "postpone" our lives. We always have big hopes for tomorrow, next month, next few years. Someone smarter than me once said that life is the time that goes by while we are busy making plans. Why do people take given time for granted? Why are we so confident that we will have tomorrow, or next week or next few years to change things, to do something we want, to say something we need? Who can possibly answer how many "tomorrows" one has?
Few days ago I caught myself planning or should I say day-dreaming, cause as practice shows, I suck at making plans. I was thinking about how much I want to do when spring comes....I caught myself on the thought "god, I can't wait till spring comes, we can do this and go see that" and I suddenly realized that while I am waiting for spring to start, my days are passing by, days that are irreplaceable and that will never come back. I have realized that due to the fact that I become very apathetic during winter, I have pretty much skipped this winter... And it never going to come back. Moreover, I cant even know for sure if I will have another winter...Another chance to see a Christmas Tree in the city center, to go try skiing, to drink hot chocolate and watch snowfall...oh and get white hat+scarf set and fluffy gloves...every winter think about it, but always end up choosing something darker, since white gets dirty easy. 
Every day that passes by will never be repeated. I think we all should change our attitude towards "today" and "tomorrow".  Every day is given for us to LIVE, not to wait till it passes by, so tomorrow we can do something. There might be no tomorrow. And this is a very bold, scary truth. You have absolutely  no idea how much more chances you will get to call your friends , or to say something important that we wanted to for a long time, or to go skiing, or try that strange cheese you look at in the store and think "one day I should try it"... A lot of times we hear  "live like there is no tomorrow" and we think "ugh, we always have to think about the future and what our actions today will lead to". I have started to realize, that for me this statement is more about not putting things we can start/try today for tomorrow. People have to stop "postponing" their lives. Even if those are little things, like trying that god damn cheese, or calling your friend that you havent seen for awhile, or getting a hair cut you were postponing till summer comes...
We really have no idea how much more of "tomorrows" we have left... Make today matter. LIVE your life.