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Happy Thanksgiving

I have a lot of things in my life to be thankful for. This year especially. It has been a long and in some ways tough year and I can't imagine going through it without some very dear people in my life.

Im very thankful to my parents. They have always been there for me, supporting, caring and loving. Im very thankful to my mom and dad for help with our wedding. Im grateful they are always by my side no matter what choices I make in life, they never judge me and they go out of their way to help me. I love my parents with all my heart and couldn't wish for better family.

Im very thankful that I have my american family, Margaret, Rob, Erica and Jeremy Rushton. This year they went out their way to help me and Brian through very tough times and I appreciate everything they have done for us. Im very thankful that I have shared my exchange experience with this special family and Im thankful they made it an outstanding one. Thank you, Rob, for being my american dad that year. Driving me to school when I was too lazy to take a bus, which was always. Thank you, Jeremy, for being a brother that I never had, making me laugh, tease me, sometimes fight with me and picking me up from school in exchange of me washing your car. Thank you, Erica for showing me what it is like to have a sister, for sharing your room with me, for being an amazing roommate and all great times we had. Thank you, Margaret, for being my second mom, who always will listen, understand and give a good advice. Thank you for always making sure I feel loved and a part of the family.

Im very thankful to all those who made Brian's treatment this summer possible. Im thankful all people who helped us with the visa process, with out trip to US and who have made sure Brian gets care he deserves. When you meet people like Daniel Barrows, you realize, that there are still people out there who have compassion and who are ready to help on a gratis basis.

Im very thankful for my friends who have been there for me when things were tough. Most of all, I want to thank Elza for being a true friend who has helped me through this year more than I can put in words. You have done so much for me and I want you to know I miss you very much. Thank you for always listening to me, distracting me when I needed it, putting common sense in my head when I am a mess, for being a great roommate, for never letting me down and just for being yourself. Im very thankful to have a friend like you.

I also want to thank Jenn and Ryan for helping us out when we were in need. If it wasn't for you guys, I don't know how we would manage to get through this summer. Thank you for making me feel like at home, caring for Brian and me, being there and for all the positive emotions. I will always appreciate what you have done for us. Im very thankful for meeting a lot of good people, like Bob, Anna,  Vicky, Bobby and others who showed compassion and care for me and Brian, who could always make me smile and helped as well.

Most of all Im thankful for having my husband, Brian in my life. Every day of my life I thank universe (fate, God, you name it) for him.You are always in my thoughts and I can't imagine my life without you, baby. Thank you for working on getting our life better. Thank you for being there for me and putting up with my crap. Thank you for not giving up and moving forward. Thank you for changing your life dramatically and staying by my side in my country. Thank you for who you are. You mean a world to me.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who took time to read this. I think at least once a year it is very useful for each of us to stop and think about good things in our lives that we should be grateful for. The main principle I try to follow in life is "be grateful for what you have and you will always end up having more".

Bitter Truth

You are all by yourself. Sooner you realize it, the better. You are all alone in this world. No one cares about anyone, but themselves. Sooner you learn how to do that., the better. It is human nature, I guess, instinct of something. We are born in one whole piece, so it is silly to expect someone else to "complete" you. You are all by yourself and no one cares about you more than they care about themselves.

Never fully trust anyone. Everybody lies. There is not even a single person in this world who never lied in their lives. Some do more, some do less, but they all lie. When it comes to either benefit you by telling the truth, or lying for their own sake, they will lie. It is in human brain to keep its "owner" safe.

Never show your weaknesses to anyone. Person you open up to, will eventually use them against you, to manipulate you, to defeat you, to destroy you. You might think there is this one, special person, who will never want to hurt you....and that might be true for awhile...Until your interests cross. Until you have something to fight about. That is when there is no "illegal hold". There is no judge to tell you what is ok to use and what is not. Everything works as long as the goal is reached. Trust me, your weaknesses will be used against you.

And the last one. Never care more about anyone than you care about yourself, because that is what everyone else are doing. If you show someone you care about them more than about yourself...they will turn you into the door pad. They will know you can't turn your back on them, because you care. They will use you as much as they can, until there is nothing more left of you. Even if you think for a moment, that there is a person who cares about you more than they care about themselves....Forget about it. It's an illusion. No one cares. And if you start to not care about yourself...guess what? There is no one else out there.

If you get disappointed in someone, you have no one else to blame but yourself. You have put your trust in them,  it's not their fault. You have expected something that they never were able to provide you. You did that to yourself. 

Only you can help yourself. Don't count on others. Only you care about yourself. Don't think anyone else does. Only you are worth your trust. Don't ever trust someone 100%, always leave a place for a doubt.

If you still think you have a person who is "not like that"....I feel sorry for you, cause I do too....

To my beloved soldier

I have never realized what you have been through. Im sorry for that. I mean, yes, you  have shared few stories from your  combat experience and I knew that what you have seen is terrible. However, I have never realized just how terrible those things were and what impact it can have on ones mind.

I have never fully realized what you are going through right now. Im sorry for that as well. I have read a lot, researched a lot, but I have never fully understood what impact war can have on one's life. I don't think I ever be able to fully understand it, but after reading actual thoughts of a former soldier, from a first person, I got one step closer.

I have never fully realized how much courage and strength it takes for one to go to war, make that choice and willingly sacrifice a normal life to follow your beliefs. Im incredibly proud of you. Proud of what you have done and proud of what you are doing right now. No matter how many times you going to say that I'm "doing a great job with putting up with you", I am going to tell you every time that you are the one who is doing an amazing job. You are the one who is putting up with so many things on your mind and still taking steps towards organizing our life together.

You are nothing but an outstanding personality and if we will have a son, more than anything I want him to get traits from his father. I love you, Brian

Visit, the

Have you ever thought what the kid you once were would think of the grown up you are now? Would that little boy/girl look at you with admiration and think "i want to be like that when i will grow up"?



I have been travelling between these two cities for about 6 years now. When my parents used to live at my native town, I used to go visit very often. After they moved, there were just few times a year I did. I have never missed that place too much, because after I have "tasted" Kiev, there was barely anything i missed about my 'village" (that is how my superman calls it, although the population of that town is about 45000 people) Of course it was always nice to go back there and feel "out of place" in a good way. Self esteem growth really fast when you hear people talk and see the way they look. I am in no way being mean, I am being realistic. It seems young people who stayed there (majority, not all) do not care to develop as a personality, they are happy with what they have and have no desire to change anything in their lives. Girls do not mind to look exactly the same, in fact, if someone choses to look differently it is the reason for weird looks and talks. It is pretty much people's choice to stay exactly the same in all aspects...

I got off the bus, took a cab and had a nice 5 minutes excursion from the bus station to my aunt's house. Nothing changed. Few stores opened, but everything is exactly the same as it was a year ago, two years ago, 6 years ago. The town didn't change. It is still very beautiful in spring, lots of trees and few parks, but still very boring as every other little town in Ukraine. I needed to go get my picture taken for my passport and as i walked towards the studio, one major difference from Kiev kicked in. It was unbeliavable quite there. There is not many roads in the area I live in, and you can hear only few passing by. It was a working day and 1pm, everyone were either at work, or at school. There were only few random "guests" on the streets. It was so quite I almost felt like people can hear me think. First I enjoyed the quitness, but as day went by, it started to creep me out. I felt like I am all alone in these streets, I am so out place, I am so noticable and I really missed the busy capital where you can always get lost amoung people and hide in the crowd. There, you have no place to hide...

After I was done taking care of my things i decided to head home to my apartment and take a nap after a tiring trip. I opened the door to the place where I have spent 17 years straight and I was overwhelmed by different feelings. I was at home, I grew up in this appartment, everything in there was familiar, but at the samae time, I felt like a stranger. SOmething has changed in that place. I have put my bags down and walked in my room...nothing had changed. My piano is still standing lonely and is more like a shelf for my picture frames, stuffed animals, other random crap...As I was walking around the apartment I have realized that you can almost smell the absense of people there. No one lives there for over 4 years now and you can literally feel the emptiness that is present...
I was brushing my hair and in the mirror I saw a reflection of the picture on the wall behind me. It was a picture of me when I was about 8 years old with my mom. For some reason, at that moment I started thinking about the fact that time goes by so quickly. It seemed only yesterday I was standing in front of this very same mirror and was getting ready to go to school. That dress I was wearing on that picture,, I wonder where is it right now? I looked at the 8 years old girl on that picture and I wondered, is this who she would want to become in 14 years? I also became very jealous of her...When you are 8 years old, you don't know exactly how world works. You have tons of insane dreams, you imagine your future and you are sure everything will be exactly like you want it to be. and here I was, 22 years old with more realistic plans for the future, less insane dreams in my head and a feeling of emptiness inside. For some reason, that apartment felt like a place of broken dreams or something...Of course I wouldnt even dream of the things I have in my life, but for some reason I felt like most of my life is gone and what I have achieved right now (nothing pretty much) is all I can....Silly, I know, but I left my apartment really fast, because I couldnt stand the feeling of passing time...

This post had a continuation and at the end I wrote that when I came back in Kiev I felt home. I finally realized that this busy city is mine. After 5 years saying how much I hate the traffic and people around, I finally felt like Im home...Mostly because my other "half" stayed in this city and was waiting for me to come back... Anyways, this post was much longer, but first of all I have not saved the draft of the second part and retyping it is just meaningless, not that anyone would bother to read.

Rainy days

Beginning of May is known for being a raining month in Kiev. Lucky me went to work with no umbrella or hoody and I got socked wet under the poring May rain...

I walked out of my office building and realized I am screwed. Heavy rain is not a type of weather you want to walk home in, considering my work is 15 minutes away from it. Here I was, walking in my short dress, open shoes with no umbrella or chance to get a cab. I was trying to concentrate on something positive, but it only worked until I stepped in a huge puddle and my shoes were filled with cold water. I literally started laughing. It was more like a desperate laugh, one you get when you are pissed to the point where you can't cry, you just laugh. "Seriously, - I thought, - Are you guys on crack there or something?" I was asking that question whoever is up there in the sky, Jesus, Buddha, universe....Whatever. Anything else you want me to go through today?... I was swearing in my mind and thought about how sucky my life is getting, how lonely, cold and miserable I am on this street, walking home in the rain, with no chance to change anything...Suddenly my thoughts changed after I turned around the corner and saw people with no umbrellas: some running to the closest bus stop, some walking slowly and accepting the inevitable, some standing under the roofs of the stores waiting for the rain to stop. This made me realize, I am not alone in this situation, I am not the only one who got socked wet and is forced to deal with this weather. I also realized, this is like our problems. When we are facing them, we think we are the only person who is dealing with this in the whole world. We feel that is so unfair and hard, that no one can understand. That is not true. There are people around the corner who are in the same shit as we are. You might not see them, know them, but they are there. Some are fighting these problems, they still believe they can, some are simply accepting them and some are waiting for them to pass by, like those people who were standing under the roof, waiting  for the rain to pass. People love to feel exclusive and think that they are the only ones who have to go through this particular situation, but the truth is, we are not. We might handle things differently and for some people certain problems are more difficult than for others, but it doesnt change the fact that we are not alone. Problems also have a tendency to pass, just like the rain. We might still be wet after it, but sooner or later, we dry off and are back to normal "dry" life...

While I was walking home, I also remembered how last year I was waiting for a bus on the bus stop and it randomly started to rain. I had no umbrella and no place to hide. There was a girl standing next to me, and she offered me to hide under her's. We didn't know each other, but she was willing to help me, just because she could. There are people who are willing to help us when we least expect that. They might not be our family, our friends or even people we know. It can be a total stranger who is facing the same problem. It can be just a total stranger with the umbrella...

memories

" You're kinda crazy" (c) July 22nd, 2010
I am reading our old posts on the FB and when I read this one, it made me laugh cuz I remember exactly how this quote was born... Me and You were in the private hostel room, trying to go to sleep, and as usually couldnt stop talking...I don't remember how exactly we got to the whole let's make a baby that glows in the dark, cuz then we can sell it on the E-bay for $1 000 000, but I do remember how we were crying from laughing talking about using a baby instead of a lamp and other random bullshit that came to our heads...and then you looked at me and said "you kinda crazy". We started laughing harder, since "kinda" crazy didn't fit, it should be more like "you are beyond crazy".

"we need to go to jamaica, away from everyone, build a small wood house and enjoy our talks about dolphins and glowing babies)))) the fun part is we don't even need to smoke weed, cuz we r ku-ku enough and that random shit comes to our heads by itself))))) ♥" (c) July 25th 2010

 It surely did come to our heads a lot...Dolphins...and their hospital where you needed to take them...oh and wet dreams about dolphins aka "weird dreams" (thats what you say, but I do know the truth =)

"get better, Cinderella....please...)))) (c) August 5th 2010
Cinderella was mentioned few times during our relationships (can I ask you a weird question, but please don't think I am crazy? (c) ). This post was from me to you, when you got sick and I had to clean the hostel and I sucked at it....You were my cinderella and our guests never believed you were the one who cleans, until they saw it.

"sometimes the universe can be just somebody's eyes (c) u mean a world to me" (c) August 25th 2010

Weird thing, but I remember exactly when I posted this and why. It was few days before you left to Germany, and I remember laying on the couch at Natasha's place, we were talking and I was looking at you and could not imagine how I will let you go so far...We have pretty much been around each other 24 hours a day ever since that night at the beach and I could not imagine you going away from my life at all...I am pretty sure that was the moment I realized "we" have to be forever, cause I can't otherwise. Those thoughts freaked me out since I had no idea what is on your mind and are you planning to come back at all...One thing I knew for sure was that you are my world...

"People are not puzzles (c)

-i wonder who said that =)
-it was one of those silly american guys who think they r smart))
-and silly ukrainian girl thinks she knows everything,....
-she does know more than american boy thinks"