memories

" You're kinda crazy" (c) July 22nd, 2010
I am reading our old posts on the FB and when I read this one, it made me laugh cuz I remember exactly how this quote was born... Me and You were in the private hostel room, trying to go to sleep, and as usually couldnt stop talking...I don't remember how exactly we got to the whole let's make a baby that glows in the dark, cuz then we can sell it on the E-bay for $1 000 000, but I do remember how we were crying from laughing talking about using a baby instead of a lamp and other random bullshit that came to our heads...and then you looked at me and said "you kinda crazy". We started laughing harder, since "kinda" crazy didn't fit, it should be more like "you are beyond crazy".

"we need to go to jamaica, away from everyone, build a small wood house and enjoy our talks about dolphins and glowing babies)))) the fun part is we don't even need to smoke weed, cuz we r ku-ku enough and that random shit comes to our heads by itself))))) ♥" (c) July 25th 2010

 It surely did come to our heads a lot...Dolphins...and their hospital where you needed to take them...oh and wet dreams about dolphins aka "weird dreams" (thats what you say, but I do know the truth =)

"get better, Cinderella....please...)))) (c) August 5th 2010
Cinderella was mentioned few times during our relationships (can I ask you a weird question, but please don't think I am crazy? (c) ). This post was from me to you, when you got sick and I had to clean the hostel and I sucked at it....You were my cinderella and our guests never believed you were the one who cleans, until they saw it.

"sometimes the universe can be just somebody's eyes (c) u mean a world to me" (c) August 25th 2010

Weird thing, but I remember exactly when I posted this and why. It was few days before you left to Germany, and I remember laying on the couch at Natasha's place, we were talking and I was looking at you and could not imagine how I will let you go so far...We have pretty much been around each other 24 hours a day ever since that night at the beach and I could not imagine you going away from my life at all...I am pretty sure that was the moment I realized "we" have to be forever, cause I can't otherwise. Those thoughts freaked me out since I had no idea what is on your mind and are you planning to come back at all...One thing I knew for sure was that you are my world...

"People are not puzzles (c)

-i wonder who said that =)
-it was one of those silly american guys who think they r smart))
-and silly ukrainian girl thinks she knows everything,....
-she does know more than american boy thinks"

unpublished

 ... and you showed me what it is like to be loved…I don’t have major issues that need to be fixed…but you make me the happiest I can be. Good days, bad days, fights,  don’t care, that feeling never leaves me. It’s a harmony inside of me that you brought in my life…You made me not scared about the future…I am not scared to grow old with you…because I know that would be just another level of our love…just another stage………

...when I said yes to you, I didn’t say yes to “fun” part of our family. Its in health and sickness,  when worse comes to the worst, forever and ever. What matters to me is that you care about yourself and don’t damage yourself more. That you treat yourself the way I treat you. That you accept your temporary weaknesses how I accept them.  I truly wish you one day will find peace and harmony with me, as I did with you. There is no “giving up” or “loosing” or “fighting”.  It is all your make-beliefs, that have to go away. And I would never even think for a second there is someone better for me out there. We were just made for each other. And I was wrong about puzzles before…we are not the same pieces. We are different, and that why we complete each other. There is no one out there for either of us, because we were just meant to be. People don’t meet like us and don’t fall in love within days if they are not something special...

... people work on getting such connection like we have, and yet not all couples have it in the end. And we do. And I truly believe there is something more to it other than “just happened to meet”. You are my piece of puzzle who makes me complete. Without you, I am nothing. And I want you to realize that…if you hurt yourself, it hurts me more.... 

...and when you hide your thoughts from me, I am confused, because I feel like I should be a person involved in that. Don’t say you want me to stay out of it, you need me just as much as I need you.  I need to be inloved, otherwise, you would feel like you are all by yourself with your problems. And you are not…

… and I truly believe if we are together, we can overcome anything...

 …..you made me happy. Fully happy. Absolutely happy. And I know u r not there yet and I just want you to let me make you happy and finally stop fighting with yourself, proving something to yourself,  overcoming yourself. We are “one”  now. No me and you. Its us.  Forever and ever. (c)

Lie to Me

One of the things i hate the most is feeling like a fool, feeling like everyone around you know something and you are the only one who have no idea, feeling like all people lie  in your face or laugh behind your back. Feeling like people look at you with pity knowing that you don't know and feel bad for you cause of that. The most disgusting thing for me is not being lied to. The most disgusting thing is being lied to and everyone around knowing the truth except you.

In my life I always choose to trust people. It is easier. We are very different in this with my superman, since he is always cautious about those who are around, and I always choose to trust and see good in people. It might sound like a paradox, but along with that, I am a paranoid person. If I didnt have my trust for people, I would probably drive myself crazy by now. For me, it has always been like that, you can trust the person, but it never is in the way of your questions. The matter is if you believe the answers. I don't think asking questions is the sign of distrust. What matters is if you trust what you hear as an answer. Although, we do not have much of a choice, do we? You either accept and believe or not. As simple as that. 

I also often think, what if everyone knew what is kept away from them. What if there was no option to lie in this world? Would people be happier? I for some reason highly doubt that. I don't think people are ready for the answers to the question they ask. If in one moment all the lies would be revealed, would that make the world an easy place to live? I dont think so. Maybe sometimes it is better not to know. Maybe ignorance is a blessing....

For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open (c)

Mrs

Today was a very difficult day...Facing problems with documents in a country like Ukraine isn't as easy as it might seem...Driving around the city center during lunch hours was exhausting and stressing, considering the fact I was not even sure till the end that everything is going to work and we will finally confirm our wedding day...It is a very hard to convince your beloved one that everything is going to fine, while you yourself doubt that in your head. We did it. We finally got everything together and the date is confirmed. It is going to be 22nd of April and after 7 months of waiting, planning, changing plans, organizing documents, getting documents, changing documents, translating documents, fixing the translation of the documents,  fighting over documents, paying for documents....after 7 months I will finally become his Mrs.

I had a chance to relax and put my thoughts together on my way home from finishing some things. I was sitting in the car and was trying to figure out how exactly I feel about everything. As much as I was tired, stressed and still mad at certain institutions, I was also feeling happy and relieved. My mind kept going back to the moment when the lady at the wedding hall handed me a pen and told me to write down the last name that I am taking after getting married. I wrote down my superman's last name and despite the fact it sounds and looks very strange and unusual spelled in ukrainian, I felt like it was "made" for me. I felt complete. It is hard to explain that feeling in words, especially in your (actually not quite mine) second (actually third) language, but I definitely know it can't be compared to anything. I felt like I am getting something I was lacking my whole life. His last name. More like  it represented the start of our family, my commitment to him and our future together. I know my superman was too exhausted to register those moments in his mind, but for me, it is unforgettable.

While I was driving home, I realized, that I never could imagine my future with anyone. I had some serious relationships that could end up with the marriage, but I could never sit there and plan a life together or imagine our future. Anytime I tried, I ended up thinking about what I want to do, or where I see myself in years. Now...it is all different and feels...right. I can spend hours of dreaming about me and my superman's future, I can imagine our house, our kids...It is funny, but I can very clearly imagine my superman interacting with our daughter. And yes, it definitely going to be a daughter. I dream about getting old together, about sitting there and going through our pictures to remember how young and crazy we were...

In 2 days I will become his Mrs. He laughs when he says that by the rules, my full "label" should be Mrs. Brian Debottari. He laughs, but he doesn't understand that it actually gives me very good feelings. It feels good to finally belong to someone. It feels good to finally trust a person your life. It feels good that finally there are no doubts in my head about missing something/someone else in my life. It feels good to finally realize someone will always be there for you.

We are going to spend the rest of our lives together. It is an amazing feeling to finally make it official. A lot of people now say the marriage is overrated, and that the rate of divorces is so high, there is no point to get married, if in next few years you will have to go through the long divorce process.  I totally disagree. For me, getting married is not about signing papers. It is about that exact feeling I got when I was writing his last name down as my future last name. When you get a feeling like that, you know it is right.

It feels good to finally become your Mrs.

Not a big deal

When you are hurt by someone, you feel weak. You want to cry, get compassion, you feel sorry for yourself and feel like you don't deserve what happend.
When you are really hurt by someone, you feel anger. You are mad, you want to yell, fight, hurt a person back and feel like you hate a person.
When you get hurt beyond understanding, you don't care anymore. At all. You want to lay down and feel everything was a bad dream. You want to feel that someone cares...You want to feel that you are not alone...You simply want to feel anything besides this pain and emptiness inside. When your world burns to ashes, you don't care to fight or yell, you don't need compassion...There is nothing inside you anymore and you can't help but feel like you are not alive, like you don't matter...

I never knew what real pain is. Now it seems like I do. It is a small thing, that grows inside, moves and twists all your organs, bothers your stomach and makes you want to puke it out. It eats you from inside, piece by piece. People say you feel pain in your heart. I don't agree. It is definitely your stomach and maybe your lungs, cause it doesn't let you breath either....

Elena

The name is of Old Greek origin with its meaning being still not quite clear - it might be "clear, chosen" or "bright, light, torch".

Since early childhood Elena loves fairy tales. She is a bit reserved and is never is complete tune with other children - she is always slightly aloof engrossed in the world of her imagination. Elena is trustful but if she faces deception based on her credulity she will definitely try to punish the person who has deceived her demonstrating remarkable creativity and imagination in the matter. Elena is kind but in childhood her kindness is not of energetic nature. For instance she can bring home a stray kitten, give him hot milk and mourn over his deplorable fate but she is not able of being firm enough with her parents so that it would stay at her place. She is slightly interested in everything. She is attracted by the beautiful and tries to embroider, sew and knit.

Elena does her homework form time to home; however at school she does fairly well owing to a great extent to her retentive memory and a teacher she likes. Elena often takes after her father, at any rate as far as her character is concerned. On the basis of her father's disposition Elena develops emotionality and intolerance. In generals emotions play a significant role in Elena's life. In youth she comes across as timid and reserved but on further acquaintance she comes out in her true colours and it gets clear that she is cheerful, optimistic and dreamy. Elena can do the best in the sphere involving communication.

Love as an emotion is secondary with Elena, it displays as a consequence of pity. Elena would marry a man who arouses her compassion rather than a prosperous and a handsome one. Taking no pity on herself and her sacrificial love Elena expects the other person to do the same in return. She takes painfully everything that distracts her husband's attention- his friends, hobbies, etc. Engrossed in the world of inner emotional experience she is indifferent to conditions of life and other daily routine issues; she can make do with the least. At Elena's home there is usually peace. She is a home person and a caring mother. She can be a good housewife only if she is in the right frame of mind for it; otherwise she regards housework only as tedious but indispensable element of her life.